Last night I cried myself to sleep. Yes, on Christmas. And I'm not confessing this because I want sympathy or to hear encouraging words. I'm sharing this for a bigger purpose.
After my family had packed up their presents and said their goodbyes yesterday, I retreated to my room feeling ungrounded and unhappy. My Christmas was a good one. I was surrounded by the people I love and hardly see, and I was immensely grateful for the food I ate and presents I received. But at the end of the day I was sad.
My cousin proposed to his girlfriend on Christmas Eve, and he looked at her like she was his whole world and I could see just how wonderful their life would be together. My cousin brought her boyfriend to meet us for the first time and she looked very much smitten with him. My other cousin just graduated from the university she was attending and her life looks wonderful as she pursues a career in geology. All of this exciting news made me very happy for them.
But over the last few years, things have been changing. We have been growing up from the little kids we were, to adults. I used to attach myself to my cousins and not let them go. We would say weird things, act wacky, and make up stories together, but things have since changed. We are getting to an age where new people are being invited to once exclusive gatherings and as this happens, I retreat a little more into a shell, feeling more like a stranger than family.
When my grandma decided to go to her house to retrieve tie clips that she thought my cousin might like, I asked if I could go along. I had been overwhelmed by the changes and new people. I needed to get away for a minute and get some fresh air. As I walked out the door, my uncle said across the room When are you going to get one of those? as he pointed to his wedding finger. And I looked away saying you had to have a boyfriend first and that no one lasts that long. "Oh, they can't handle you for very long?" he asked chuckling.
Nope. I guess not. I put on a face like it didn't bother me. When I got back, my cousin asked me about my ex, inquiring about what happened. I fumbled for my words, holding my breath because I could feel the emotions bubbling. Truth be told, since the breakup, I have been around a very limited amount of people, and stay away from those that might bring it up.
I don't want to get too raw because I believe that some things are better kept between the parties involved, but my ex and I have been friends for over a decade. He actually has been more than a friend for a long time: my best friend. He had always been the person I go to when life was tough, when I needed a truthful answer, or just needed someone. Even before we dated for the few months we did, I was one of the most important people in his life and he in mine. Now things are more complicated.
As I sat with my family around the Christmas tree, I couldn't help but feel like he was missing and like he belonged there in our house with us. I didn't necessarily understand the presence of this feeling, but it loomed.
After they all left, I couldn't help but cry. I cried about the relationship, I cried because I don't know where my life is headed, and I cried because things change so rapidly. Being a full moon, I decided that it was time to release some of this energy pulling me down with a meditation. I took small pieces of paper and wrote down things that I needed to release from my life. Under the full moon, I lit them on fire and watched as they curled into char. It felt so good to let go of my burdens, but when I went back inside my house, they started to scratch at me again.
Chest heaving, tears running down my face, I asked my spirit guides, angels and archangels, gods and goddesses to please release the negative energy. As the tears crusted to my cheeks, I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I didn't want to turn on my computer and obsessively check social media like I always had. I sat up and reached for the new copy of Happinez Magazine. I began looking at the beautiful flowers arranged in the shape of mandalas, read about mindfulness, and about a nunnery in Tibet. Then I felt a pull to go on YouTube and watch a video about spirituality.
In my YouTube suggestions was a video called "How To Let Go of Someone You Love (and Part with Peace)" by Heather Waxman. I clicked on the video and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I couldn't help but feel like it was put in front of me by my guides, which left me grateful and humbled.
Here's the video:
A few parts that resonated with me:
"When any two souls meet, it is not an accident...As we form a relationship, we enter into an invisible, sacred contract with each other and we silently, subconsciously agree (from a spiritual prospective) to join together to teach and to learn from each other until we have reached our highest potential as it relates to the purpose of the relationship."
"Society tries to equate the success of the relationship with the time that the relationship has endured...Sometimes we feel in our guts -- that inner knowing -- that it's time to part, that the purpose of the relationship has been served. We feel an immense sense of guilt and shame over that and confusion in large part because we believe that the relationship has failed because society tells us that when the relationship ends, the relationship has failed."
"If you try to stay in that space of controlling the end, trying to not make the ending of the relationship occur, you are staying at a low vibration and all you have to do is vibrate up to that space of willingness and you will feel that sense of wonder about the rebirth that is occurring in this moment for you."
This was the first time I watched Heather's videos, but I will be watching more. This video was gentle, loving, and pinpointed the things I needed to hear. Even though I had a breakdown and was beyond distraught, my guides put the information I needed in front of me. When I watched her video, I was astounded by the perfection of the moment, and wanted to remind everyone out there that it's OK to feel all the human emotions fully (even the not-so-fun ones). And that's why I got a little raw on the blog today -- to bring attention to the power of asking the universe and guides for help and trusting in their abilities and dedication to us.
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