2015 || a year of questions

Looking back at the year in comparison to 2014, I couldn't help but feel like what was the point of 2015? But then I came across a quote that seemed to put it all in perspective:

"There are years that ask questions, and there are years that answer." -Zora Neale Hurston

After reading this quote, I realized that although things didn't always turn out the way I wanted them to, there was still a point to the year. 2015 was a year of questions that I didn't know the answers to. I asked and asked and asked and am still asking with seemingly no response, but I think it's important to stop obsessing over receiving the answer right now and allowing the questions to just be. The answers will come, I just have to wait and keep the door open for receiving. 

Knowing I have been stubborn and probably hard on myself, I took a look through my photos from the year, and it reminded me of the good memories I had in the last 12 months. So here it goes ---

I lived in Washington state on the beautiful Bainbridge Island. I would walk down to the pebbly beach and watch the ferry glide in, then take off to Seattle. I was grateful for a warm, snowless winter in the Pacific Northwest.

I worked with some of the most passionate, humble, loving people I've known. I don't have pictures of all the people I love from YES!, but here are a few. Top left: Miles who made me watch wrestling, but only after watching the Bachelor with me. Top right: Erin who brought out the sassy in me and always had my articles looking their best. Bottom left: Mary and James. Mary was my girl from the day I moved into the YES house. We spent nights at the Alehouse, traveled over to Seattle, and had conversations about life <3 her dearly. James always gave me a new way to look at issues I was writing about and gave me the boost to dig deep. Bottom right: Morgan who brought her bubbly personality and wonderful insights into any conversation. 

Missing: Christa who believed in my voice and did everything with love and compassion. Jim who was the sweetest and kindest person (plus always brought home bread). Susan who gave the best advice and always gave a helping hand. Natasha who was such a beautiful artist and kicked butt on our hike. Peter who I wish I had gotten to know more, but was not only a caring individual but also a fiction writer! There were so many others I was grateful to work with day and day out.

Other notable things I did with my YES folks: had wonderful family dinners, watched the Super Bowl (Seattle Seahawks vs New England Patriots) in a Seattle bar that was only standing room. It was so sad to see the Seahawks lose and in the way that they did. We worked at the HUB, chilled in the beer garden, debated where solutions journalism was going and what part we had in the process, spent a few days in a beach house and singing by a fire in the rain, and eating deep dish pizza while talking about the effect of global warming.

I adventured around Seattle alone. I went to the Frye Museum of Art, Elliot Bay Book Co., wandered the streets, got lost, got rained on, found cool things, and explored. It really felt empowering to be able to just walk and find new things everywhere I looked.

I learned how awesome hackerspaces and makerspaces are after talking to the Seattle Attic, FemHack, Hacker Gals, and a few others. This is the first time I saw direct change and action being made from an article I wrote. I still haven't visited Hacker Gals, but I really want to in the near future. Stacy, the founder, is such a sweet person and I want to get an update on what they're doing.

In the second part of the internship, I really started to love the topics I was writing about, like the hackerspaces one, the article about hip-hop artist Jasiri X and how he is bringing awareness about social justice through his music (and literally got so starstruck, like heart beating extra fast, falling in love type of feelings when watching his videos), and the article about breweries turning to sustainable methods to help stop global warming (I also liked talking to Rick Williams about restorative justice, but that was in December 2014 so it doesn't count).

I learned so much, talked to some amazing people, got frustrated a few times, but enjoyed being a part of bringing positive news to the public. Go solutions journalism!

One of my favorite places to be - always - Intentional Table. I walked into the studio, really shy, and walked out with a job helping the food and wine studio with social media. Not only did I learn a lot about food, but I learned a lot about life from the owner and my second mom, Zoe. She is the most inspirational, go-getter, loving person I know. Every single day I spent with her was amazing and her presence always put me in a better mood. 

I also met some other wonderful people at Intentional Table including Heather, Abby, Marsha, and Carla. They are the sweetest.

But, wait. Let's step back a moment and look at the things that didn't go so well. I felt lost, not knowing where I should go and what I should do with my life. I loved the things I was doing at YES, but it was hard, time consuming, and I didn't know if I could get a job doing something like this. My dad had health issues, which pulled me to want to go home.

I ended up deciding to stay in Seattle. Got a room in a house with five other girls. The landlord didn't even tell them that I was moving in, so when I got there with all my things, they looked shocked that a random person was bringing all their stuff inside. I felt alone, isolated, couldn't find a job. The room I was in had basically no heat. I enjoyed going to the library, so that was a plus.

With my dad being sick and me not feeling happy and having a hard time finding a job, I got a plane ticket home to Michigan. 

I felt happy to be home, but also like a failure. I got a job working at Camp Miniwanca, which brought me a lot of joy and a little bit of office drama. I still felt like I wasn't living up to what I should've been. 

I had my first poem published in print! Besides being published, it was also displayed in the Bainbridge Island Public Library lobby. Read about it here.

I spent a bunch of time with this guy. Baked pies, went to a birthday party, spent a day with his family kayaking down a river (so much fun, but he had to rescue me a million times...oops), watched hours of Game of Thrones and Grey's Anatomy, made jar salads, introduced him to a scoby (hilarious!), went on a Stony Lake boat tour and a bunch of other things #alwaysmybestfriend #lovehimtopieces - side note: one of these pics is a throwback from years ago - can you guess it?

Had such a blast at the Speak Like A Girl show featuring Megan Falley and Olivia Gatwood. They are kick ass women that talk about rape culture, social norms, feminism and a lot of other topics, but in a way that knocks your socks off. Highly recommend watching their videos, buying their books, and watching them live. I also got to listen to the Sharon Olds! I went with one of my best friends and ran into another friend from high school. He got us into the after party, where we got to have conversation with these fierce women. It was an amazing night.

Had a Yarwood family reunion! I hadn't seen these cousins in such a long time - some of them I had never even met. I also joined in on a sand dune ride at Silver Lake. Even though I've lived 10 minutes from the lake my entire life, I had never been in a dune buggy. It was realllllly bumpy!

And spent some time with my girls! We went out for Halloween. Jasmine and Lauren were 70s glam girls and I was a robber. I never get to see my G11 gals enough, but I surprised them and visited on my birthday HA! They had invited me to a party and didn't know it was my birthday, but how better could I have spent it? Had such a great time and I listened to a bunch of (actually) really good karaoke.

Here comes 2016, let's give it all we've got and more.

♥ Kay

Poem from the Mitten

Poetry time! As you might know, I love poetry and therefore I'd like to share a poem from the book "How the Losers Love What's Lost." I read this book by Patrick Ryan Frank last year and have dog-eared pages galore. On top of his wonderful poetry, he is a Michigan native just like me! 

WHAT I WANT FROM THE WORLD 

by Patrick Ryan Frank

On some bright beach in Hawaii,

in some dim year of the past,

one leper in love with another

says, Take my hand. That's all --

sweet joke or two, quick touch,

an elegy on a postcard.

Not much, no more than moments

of luck in a luckless life,

of trouble beautifully lit.

So let the lepers think

the numbness of their lips

is love. Let the sharks

be far and slow. Let

nobody see their bodies

as they run into the sea

with the sun in tatters on

the water, with laughter, a wind

through palms that sounds like Please.

Christmastime sadness

Be warned. I'm going to get raw in this post.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. Yes, on Christmas. And I'm not confessing this because I want sympathy or to hear encouraging words. I'm sharing this for a bigger purpose.

After my family had packed up their presents and said their goodbyes yesterday, I retreated to my room feeling ungrounded and unhappy. My Christmas was a good one. I was surrounded by the people I love and hardly see, and I was immensely grateful for the food I ate and presents I received. But at the end of the day I was sad. 

My cousin proposed to his girlfriend on Christmas Eve, and he looked at her like she was his whole world and I could see just how wonderful their life would be together. My cousin brought her boyfriend to meet us for the first time and she looked very much smitten with him. My other cousin just graduated from the university she was attending and her life looks wonderful as she pursues a career in geology. All of this exciting news made me very happy for them.

But over the last few years, things have been changing. We have been growing up from the little kids we were, to adults. I used to attach myself to my cousins and not let them go. We would say weird things, act wacky, and make up stories together, but things have since changed. We are getting to an age where new people are being invited to once exclusive gatherings and as this happens, I retreat a little more into a shell, feeling more like a stranger than family.

When my grandma decided to go to her house to retrieve tie clips that she thought my cousin might like, I asked if I could go along. I had been overwhelmed by the changes and new people. I needed to get away for a minute and get some fresh air. As I walked out the door, my uncle said across the room When are you going to get one of those? as he pointed to his wedding finger. And I looked away saying you had to have a boyfriend first and that no one lasts that long. "Oh, they can't handle you for very long?" he asked chuckling.

Nope. I guess not. I put on a face like it didn't bother me. When I got back, my cousin asked me about my ex, inquiring about what happened. I fumbled for my words, holding my breath because I could feel the emotions bubbling. Truth be told, since the breakup, I have been around a very limited amount of people, and stay away from those that might bring it up. 

I don't want to get too raw because I believe that some things are better kept between the parties involved, but my ex and I have been friends for over a decade. He actually has been more than a friend for a long time: my best friend. He had always been the person I go to when life was tough, when I needed a truthful answer, or just needed someone. Even before we dated for the few months we did, I was one of the most important people in his life and he in mine. Now things are more complicated.

As I sat with my family around the Christmas tree, I couldn't help but feel like he was missing and like he belonged there in our house with us. I didn't necessarily understand the presence of this feeling, but it loomed.

After they all left, I couldn't help but cry. I cried about the relationship, I cried because I don't know where my life is headed, and I cried because things change so rapidly. Being a full moon, I decided that it was time to release some of this energy pulling me down with a meditation. I took small pieces of paper and wrote down things that I needed to release from my life. Under the full moon, I lit them on fire and watched as they curled into char. It felt so good to let go of my burdens, but when I went back inside my house, they started to scratch at me again.

Chest heaving, tears running down my face, I asked my spirit guides, angels and archangels, gods and goddesses to please release the negative energy. As the tears crusted to my cheeks, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I didn't want to turn on my computer and obsessively check social media like I always had. I sat up and reached for the new copy of Happinez Magazine. I began looking at the beautiful flowers arranged in the shape of mandalas, read about mindfulness, and about a nunnery in Tibet. Then I felt a pull to go on YouTube and watch a video about spirituality.

In my YouTube suggestions was a video called "How To Let Go of Someone You Love (and Part with Peace)" by Heather Waxman. I clicked on the video and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I couldn't help but feel like it was put in front of me by my guides, which left me grateful and humbled. 

Here's the video:

A few parts that resonated with me: 

"When any two souls meet, it is not an accident...As we form a relationship, we enter into an invisible, sacred contract with each other and we silently, subconsciously agree (from a spiritual prospective) to join together to teach and to learn from each other until we have reached our highest potential as it relates to the purpose of the relationship." 

"Society tries to equate the success of the relationship with the time that the relationship has endured...Sometimes we feel in our guts -- that inner knowing -- that it's time to part, that the purpose of the relationship has been served. We feel an immense sense of guilt and shame over that and confusion in large part because we believe that the relationship has failed because society tells us that when the relationship ends, the relationship has failed." 

"If you try to stay in that space of controlling the end, trying to not make the ending of the relationship occur, you are staying at a low vibration and all you have to do is vibrate up to that space of willingness and you will feel that sense of wonder about the rebirth that is occurring in this moment for you."

This was the first time I watched Heather's videos, but I will be watching more. This video was gentle, loving, and pinpointed the things I needed to hear. Even though I had a breakdown and was beyond distraught, my guides put the information I needed in front of me. When I watched her video, I was astounded by the perfection of the moment, and wanted to remind everyone out there that it's OK to feel all the human emotions fully (even the not-so-fun ones). And that's why I got a little raw on the blog today -- to bring attention to the power of asking the universe and guides for help and trusting in their abilities and dedication to us.