Christmastime sadness

Be warned. I'm going to get raw in this post.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. Yes, on Christmas. And I'm not confessing this because I want sympathy or to hear encouraging words. I'm sharing this for a bigger purpose.

After my family had packed up their presents and said their goodbyes yesterday, I retreated to my room feeling ungrounded and unhappy. My Christmas was a good one. I was surrounded by the people I love and hardly see, and I was immensely grateful for the food I ate and presents I received. But at the end of the day I was sad. 

My cousin proposed to his girlfriend on Christmas Eve, and he looked at her like she was his whole world and I could see just how wonderful their life would be together. My cousin brought her boyfriend to meet us for the first time and she looked very much smitten with him. My other cousin just graduated from the university she was attending and her life looks wonderful as she pursues a career in geology. All of this exciting news made me very happy for them.

But over the last few years, things have been changing. We have been growing up from the little kids we were, to adults. I used to attach myself to my cousins and not let them go. We would say weird things, act wacky, and make up stories together, but things have since changed. We are getting to an age where new people are being invited to once exclusive gatherings and as this happens, I retreat a little more into a shell, feeling more like a stranger than family.

When my grandma decided to go to her house to retrieve tie clips that she thought my cousin might like, I asked if I could go along. I had been overwhelmed by the changes and new people. I needed to get away for a minute and get some fresh air. As I walked out the door, my uncle said across the room When are you going to get one of those? as he pointed to his wedding finger. And I looked away saying you had to have a boyfriend first and that no one lasts that long. "Oh, they can't handle you for very long?" he asked chuckling.

Nope. I guess not. I put on a face like it didn't bother me. When I got back, my cousin asked me about my ex, inquiring about what happened. I fumbled for my words, holding my breath because I could feel the emotions bubbling. Truth be told, since the breakup, I have been around a very limited amount of people, and stay away from those that might bring it up. 

I don't want to get too raw because I believe that some things are better kept between the parties involved, but my ex and I have been friends for over a decade. He actually has been more than a friend for a long time: my best friend. He had always been the person I go to when life was tough, when I needed a truthful answer, or just needed someone. Even before we dated for the few months we did, I was one of the most important people in his life and he in mine. Now things are more complicated.

As I sat with my family around the Christmas tree, I couldn't help but feel like he was missing and like he belonged there in our house with us. I didn't necessarily understand the presence of this feeling, but it loomed.

After they all left, I couldn't help but cry. I cried about the relationship, I cried because I don't know where my life is headed, and I cried because things change so rapidly. Being a full moon, I decided that it was time to release some of this energy pulling me down with a meditation. I took small pieces of paper and wrote down things that I needed to release from my life. Under the full moon, I lit them on fire and watched as they curled into char. It felt so good to let go of my burdens, but when I went back inside my house, they started to scratch at me again.

Chest heaving, tears running down my face, I asked my spirit guides, angels and archangels, gods and goddesses to please release the negative energy. As the tears crusted to my cheeks, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I didn't want to turn on my computer and obsessively check social media like I always had. I sat up and reached for the new copy of Happinez Magazine. I began looking at the beautiful flowers arranged in the shape of mandalas, read about mindfulness, and about a nunnery in Tibet. Then I felt a pull to go on YouTube and watch a video about spirituality.

In my YouTube suggestions was a video called "How To Let Go of Someone You Love (and Part with Peace)" by Heather Waxman. I clicked on the video and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I couldn't help but feel like it was put in front of me by my guides, which left me grateful and humbled. 

Here's the video:

A few parts that resonated with me: 

"When any two souls meet, it is not an accident...As we form a relationship, we enter into an invisible, sacred contract with each other and we silently, subconsciously agree (from a spiritual prospective) to join together to teach and to learn from each other until we have reached our highest potential as it relates to the purpose of the relationship." 

"Society tries to equate the success of the relationship with the time that the relationship has endured...Sometimes we feel in our guts -- that inner knowing -- that it's time to part, that the purpose of the relationship has been served. We feel an immense sense of guilt and shame over that and confusion in large part because we believe that the relationship has failed because society tells us that when the relationship ends, the relationship has failed." 

"If you try to stay in that space of controlling the end, trying to not make the ending of the relationship occur, you are staying at a low vibration and all you have to do is vibrate up to that space of willingness and you will feel that sense of wonder about the rebirth that is occurring in this moment for you."

This was the first time I watched Heather's videos, but I will be watching more. This video was gentle, loving, and pinpointed the things I needed to hear. Even though I had a breakdown and was beyond distraught, my guides put the information I needed in front of me. When I watched her video, I was astounded by the perfection of the moment, and wanted to remind everyone out there that it's OK to feel all the human emotions fully (even the not-so-fun ones). And that's why I got a little raw on the blog today -- to bring attention to the power of asking the universe and guides for help and trusting in their abilities and dedication to us. 

REGULARITY

This is part of a series on my journey through the 18-ities that were highlighted in Happinez Magazine. You can read how the article spoke to me here, and also check out the first -ity: serenity.

Confession: I have a hard time with the second -ity: regularity. It's a love/hate relationship. I desperately claw for a routine that will lead me towards my soul's purpose, but tend to give up easily if I don't get quick results. I don't put 100 percent into things because I doubt that it will benefit me, that I will succeed, if it's the right choice, or I'm just being plain lazy.

I think regularity can come in many forms. It can be waking up and meditating before getting ready for the day, telling someone how much you care about them, or dedicating time to something you love everyday.

The things that become regular will definitely impact your life. An action can start off as an occasional occurrence, and quickly develop into a habit, so it is important to be aware and intentional about what you do and how you treat yourself. If you look in the mirror and tell yourself you're ugly it can easily escalate and manifest in your mood, what you accomplish, and how you treat others.

The Happinez article wrote: "Regularity forms the basis of spiritual practise; it's the best way to calm a restless spirit. It's for this reason that ashrams have a strict daily routine. Habits form grooves, like millstones, which in time become smooth. It takes time but once a groove is etched, it can be forgotten because it's been indelibly printed in our memory. So get up a fixed time and meditate at a fixed time. Take the time to reflect on the day's events, and cherish that moment."

Both of the photos were taken 11.18.15. What a beautiful sunset in Michigan.

What are some of your current regularities?

To be honest, mine have been unhealthy lately. After a recent breakup and not being sure about my next career move, I have not treated myself in the best way. But you know what? Now that I have been honest with myself and am aware of these actions, I can create steps to move away from these patterns.

What regularities would you like to incorporate into your daily routine?

I have started to meditate, but have not made it a full-blown regularity. I need to create a time to do that every day because it allows me to slow down and tune into my body. It is common for people to keep their lives in busy-mode 24/7 and this isn't healthy. The result? Physical manifestations of stress.

I would also like to take time to reflect on my day as a part of my new regularity. I tried to start doing this in the form of "pits and peaks" where I would go through and find something that didn't go so well and something good that happened. I tend to look back at my life and wonder what even happened, and this would make me reflect on how I live my life.

Another regularity that I would like to enforce is writing and reading. These are two of my passions, but I tend not to parcel time for them. I am distracted with things that do not benefit my life like television and surfing useless things on the internet. I can do those things in moderation, but be aware of how much time I spend on those things and realize what will benefit me the most.

Last but not least, I need to tell my loved ones what they mean to me. This can be in the form of a simple "I love you" or sending a card to someone saying that I'm thinking of them. This regularity comes with another stipulation -- I need to really access my relationships and be true to myself on how I feel about them. These words can't be said just to be said, they need to come a place of purity.

I hope you take a look at your regularities and think about how they serve you. Make intentional regularities and you'll be a lot happier. I'll try to do the same.

Getting dirty in the garden

It's so sad to see my poor garden deteriorate, but that's just part of the seasons of life. The other day, my dad and I pulled the wilted tomato plants out of the dirt, harvested the onions, and got really dirty in the process.

First, we pulled out all of the dead plants, weeds, and saved the vegetables that we could still eat -- like the carrots, kale, brussels sprouts, and onions. My dad wanted to rototill the soil and get the ground ready for next spring, so we borrowed a Kuboda from one of our friends, and really turned that dirt over. 

Throughout the summer, we had been composting, so it was a perfect time to dump it for the season. We had a little trouble since the buckets were so dang heavy. We first tried to lift it with a chain wrapped around the plastic container and secured to the Kuboda. In the process, the container cracked. After a few different scenarios, we successfully got them lifted and carried to the garden -- hooray!

The only problem? The smell! Oh man, if my dad was almost gagging, you know it was bad. 

We also raked a bunch of leaves into the garden and rototilled those in. While he was on the Kuboda, I started pulling corn stalks and sunflowers out of the smaller garden. Some of the stalks came out pretty easy, and a few not so easy. I was hunched over pulling one out and out of nowhere collapsed with a sharp pain at the base of my spine. I took a break and stretched my back, but the pain was still there and had to brace myself every time I pulled a stalk. Not fun, but when  you have to get things done, you have to push through the pain.

We didn't thin out our carrots, so they are all pretty small, but edible.

My dad on the Kuboda, rototilling in all those leaves.

Dirty face, dirty hands, dirty clothes. I was getting grimy, but all for the love of my garden! Definitely don't need makeup when you're working like that.

So many dang leaves.

The dirt went right through my shoes.

Aged brown, but still beautiful.

Brussels Sprouts + Bowls of Spiders + Black Roses

Who likes brussels sprouts? OK, don't raise your hands all at the same time. I feel like green vegetables tend to get prematurely judged. Yes, brussels sprouts look like tiny cabbages, but just let me tell you, they are delicious (even ask my dad). This year, when we were picking out the plants to grow in our garden, I set my eye on a brussels sprouts plant, even though my parents had their doubts about if it would grow well.

So this week, we pulled those suckers out by their roots and started chopping off those round pieces of heaven one by one until we had a pot full. When you get them in the grocery stores (especially frozen) they tend to be bitter. I have more than once spit out a brussels sprout. But not these homegrown ones, they were perfection.

Brussels sprouts grow on a long stem. My dad and I had cut off all the leaves before this pic was taken.

Boil 'em, steam 'em, maybe even eat them raw.

Isn't this just a wonderful picture of the harvest moon? I'm not sure who shot this picture -- either my mom or dad -- but I couldn't help but share.

Back in the day, we decorated to scare all the kids who would trample through our haunted garage. Since then, we've toned it down a bit, made it classier I guess.

 Black rose, black dress, black heart. Hey, have you listened to the song "Black Roses" by the beautiful Clare Bowen (from one of my fav shows, Nashville)? If not, watch it. It's unbelievable.

Bowl full of spiders? Obviously!

 We've had this skeleton for yeeeeeeeears. His name is Mr. Bones. Maybe he shouldn't have played with that Ouija board. Am I right?

It's fall. Break out the hats!

Look at my precious Sadie. She always lays on the ground in front of this window, watching for my dad to come up the driveway.

Can you believe All Hallow's Eve is this weekend? Love it & can't wait.

Fresh Garden Salsa

What do I like most about summer? Going out to my garden, feeling the dirt between my toes as I pick ripe vegetables. Tomatoes, pickles, zucchini,onions, yellow squash, green beans - we plant a bundle, which makes it even more exciting when each is ready to be picked.

One of my favorite things to make when all the right produce is ripe....SALSA. From the beginning, I've never followed a recipe, but just picked an assortment of goodies and put it in a bowl and taste tested it for what it needs a little more of. To me, it's delicious, but everyone has their likes and dislikes. Here's a little photo selection of what I put in my fresh garden salsa:

I chose to use grape and cherry tomatoes instead of regular-sized tomatoes. It's just a preference. I think that these tomatoes are sweeter and have more flavor, so even though it takes a long time to chop these up, it's worth it.

A few years ago, I went to Burley Park, an antique and collectibles market, and came across a man selling purple pepper plants (the plant on the right). I had never seen them before (neither had my mom or grandma). The man said that the fruit grows purple and it has heat. Being such a unique find, my grandma and I both picked up a plant.

Here's an up close view of the purple pepper. Each year my grandma and I harvest the seeds when the pepper turns red. We save them for the next year and when spring comes around, we plant them. I put a few plants in my garden, too, and they are thriving. They aren't as tall as the ones grown in a pot, but they have peppers on them.

This is what I put in the salsa:

-medium-sized bowl full of cherry and grape tomatoes
-1 onion
-4 banana peppers
-2 green peppers
-2 jalepenos
-3 purple peppers
-salt and pepper to taste

I cut the tomatoes into about five pieces. This took quite a long time, but it was well worth it.

When I started cutting the jalapenos, I wasn't sure if I wanted to use two of them because I didn't want the salsa to be too spicy. I cut up one into very small pieces and the second one was added as I taste tested it for heat.

The purple peppers are very small, so they were cut into very small pieces. You can't even see them in the final picture of the salsa. My dad ate a slice of a purple pepper and he immediately said his mouth was burning. They definitely have some heat, but bring a nice addition to the salsa.

As for the rest of the vegetables, cut them into chunks. Stir that baby up and taste test it. Need a little salt? Add it. Want a little more spice? Cut up some more jalapenos or purple peppers.

TA-DA! Delicious fresh salsa made entirely with vegetables from my garden!

SERENITY

This is part of the 18 -ities practice, where each week I'll think about a word taken by spiritual leader and yoga master Sri Swami Sivanada, the writer and composer of The Song of Eighteen Ities. Read the introduction here.

"1.) Serenity 

Tranquility, acceptance, a feeling of peace. A moment of serenity is where it all begins. In this state of serenity, our mind is motionless and nothing disturbs our thoughts. Serenity is like a forest pool on a calm day. The pool's surface is as smooth as glass. If we come closer, we can see right down to the bottom of the pool."

 The first thought that came to mind when I read that excerpt from Happinez Magazine was my daily meditation. I might describe the details of this meditation at a later date, but the reason I do it is to center myself. When I concentrate on breathing and finding my center -- not daily tasks, issues that have come up, or anything else weighing on my thoughts -- I can truly find serenity.

The power of breath is truly amazing. Taking long, deep, intentional breaths can be extremely soothing. We all breathe shallow breaths most of the time, but engaging the belly into the exercise of breath stretches those muscles and moves that oxygen through your body.

Another thing that brings me serenity is being out in nature. There's a certain stillness, but also activeness that resides in the forest, garden, or at the beach. All the sounds around you are natural. There aren't cars whooshing by, or a TV blaring, but instead, the sound of rustling leaves and waves crashing. It allows you to see the beauty of what is earthly-made.

I also feel a sort of serenity when I'm creative writing, just scribbling down words or phrases that come to me. It almost feels like a brisk wind urging me to get this down on paper because I'll need it someday. It's a kind of relief that is soothing and energizing all at the same time.

What comes to mind when you think of the word SERENITY? I'd really love to hear.

Growing starts with introspection. Start with the -ities

Bookstores are my downfall. Whenever I walk into a bookstore, you can almost guarantee I won't walk out empty handed. At a very young age, I watched my mom hustle over to the magazine section of any store, looking for inspiration in pictures atop lifestyle and party magazines. It's been a tradition that whenever we waltz into Barnes and Noble, we head straight for the magazines.

Last week, I did not falter in this ritual. The lights shone bright overhead as I scanned the Stampington magazines (my favorite) for a new issue. I had all of them. But I kept scanning and as my eyes trailed the shelf, I saw an ornate pink pattern framing a woman doing anjali mudra (yoga term for what looks like prayer hands). The cover said "follow your heart" and "do you know what makes you happy?" with the slogan of "positive, wise, & loving life." So many things spoke to me on the cover that I had to open the pages and take a peek.

Glancing through, it brought positivity and the yogi spirit to life through beautiful pictures of nature, Buddhist temples, art, and words. There was an article on the importance of intentional breath, the influence of singing bowls, and one of my favorite articles talked about becoming introspective on blessings we have and exploring them through the 18 ities.

What are "ities," you ask? Words that end in -ity. Words like serenity, regularity, absence of vanity, sincerity, simplicity, veracity, equanimity, fixity, non-irritability, adaptability, humility, tenacity, integrity, nobility, magnanimity, charity, generosity, and purity. And those are the 18 highlighted by spiritual leader and yoga master Sri Swami Sivananda.

"Eighteen virtues. Think of them as words written on notes hanging in a forest along the path we travel - life's path," the article reads. "They are reminders of what we should look out for along the way, what we should investigate, what is important and what we can learn."

The intention is that you explore the -ity for a week and it will give you deeper insight into life and yourself. Always seeking ways to find more connection with myself and the encompassment of life, I decided to challenge myself to this journey. I encourage you to also take a deeper look at these words and try to decipher how they position in your life. If you're hesitant, you can always follow along on my 18-week voyage.

Stop back tomorrow for the first jump -- SERENITY.