9 years since my grandma passed

We sat around the hospital bed in my grandma's house, my family's arms or legs or shoulders touching as we watched the slow breaths rise and fall from her chest. She looked small, skinny, fragile, her cancerous body lying under the thick covers.

I had rushed out of class, leaving homework in my locker when my dad called saying we needed to drive to my grandma's house to say our last goodbyes. We knew she would pass soon, the cancer she had fought for three years was taking a toll on her strength and memory.

When first diagnosed with oral cancer in Florida, I was young and ignorant about what it was. My grandma went to Florida every winter, but this time she hadn't come back because she had gotten sick, my parents told me. She was always a fighter, so I had no doubts she would come back soon enough. But as time progressed, she got so ill that the doctors were weary if she would make it, and my family made the decision to fly her back to Michigan in a medical helicopter so she could spend her days around people that loved her. 

When she arrived, she was nothing like the grandma I knew. The cancer, chemo, and radiation had taken her hope. Her face was burnt, covered in dried blood, and she was skin and bones. My aunt, a nurse, became her caretaker, and as time progressed and much work, she regained strength and ability. I think a lot of this improvement came from being around her family. Never underestimate being around people you love and that love you.

With my grandma  having oral cancer, the radiation was done on her jawline, making it hard to communicate verbally. It was painful and when she did try to talk, it was hard to understand. As a 14-year-old, I tried to understand the words, saying back what I thought she had said, but I knew I wasn't getting it right. She looked frustrated, I felt bad, but I looked into her eyes and I could feel the love she was sending my way non-verbally and I was grateful.

Those moments of eyes-locked, silent interaction are one of the most meaningful moments and I will never forget the ones with my grandma.

As my family surrounded her bed, eyes bloodshot from tears, we touched her spot-aged hands to feel the warmth for the last time. My mom's leg started bouncing uncontrollably from the uncomfortable impact of the moment and I watched it shake the bed slightly. In that moment I was mad at her for this, the last moments of my grandma's life distracted by a constant bounce. I touched her leg and she slowed, the tears on the edge of her eyes. This bounce was her coping mechanism.

My dad took his mother's wrist in his hand as my aunt told my grandma it was OK to go towards the white light, that we were OK. She shut the breathing machine off and she said it again gently. My dad felt as her pulse slowed and stopped. We watched as the last exhale left her body 9 years ago today.

As I was thinking of her throughout the day, I began making a mental list of things that I remember about her. I was 16-years-old when she passed, so the way I looked at moments was juvenile and different than I would today, but these are some of the things I thought of 

-pearly pink nails

-gardening

-lipstick

-coffee

-4th of July parties

-peanut butter cereal bars

-classical music

-the one time I spent the night at her house

-those pesky deer eating her garden

-snow bird

-the Samantha American Girl doll she got me for Christmas

-bird clock that tweeted every hour

-flower embroidered sweatshirts

-sitting around her kitchen table talking

-her stack of crafts and novels on her kitchen table

-her stubborness

-her strength

-telling me that she was glad I didn't wear a lot of makeup because I looked beautiful naturally

-always trying to teach me something, whether it be personally or with a science kit for my birthday

-so excited to give me clothes she found at a yard sale

-when she came to my cheer competition even though she was weak and ill

-visiting her in Florida and picking grapefruit every morning

...just to name a few. Miss and love her forever.

Vows to my future partner + Valentine's Day shenanigans

Isn't this raspberry chocolate ladybug truffle from Bon Bon the cutest? It even has spots in the shape of hearts. 

"I vow to always hand-write you a Valentine's letter to explain how much I love you. I vow to set the alarm 15 minutes early every morning so we have time to cuddle before getting ready for work."

As I laid in my bed last night thinking about love (because of Valentine's Day, of course), I started to ramble off promises I wanted to make with my future partner - the whole time replaying the scene from The Vow, and envisioning a "perfect" relationship where you can be goofy, serious, loving, 100 percent yourself and know your partner still cherishes you.

You see, that's the type of relationship I want. That's the type of relationship I've had and the type of relationship I hope to experience again. Although I'm single this Feb. 14th, I am not wallowing. I am so grateful for the people in my life. I'm not sad that I don't have a Valentine because I can feel it in my bones that my partner will come to me when the time is right. It might be someone already in my life, or it might be someone I've yet to meet, but my heart flutters at the thought that I will someday spend this day with my other half (I know, I know, ahh the gush). And I refuse to be one of those desperate lovers who settles - and I'd suggest you not be that person either because life is too short.

This morning I grabbed toast from Blackbird Bakery and in the display case sat homemade X & O cookies for lovebirds on the island. Right then I realized that this year I had not felt so turned off to Valentine's Day. Here on Bainbridge Island, I am hardly bombarded by consumerism. Almost all the businesses here are locally-owned, meaning I haven't encountered aisles and aisles of v-day exploitation. This, I think, has made me more aware of my feelings toward the holiday: that it should be more rooted in love than generic gifts.

Many feel obligated to get their honey a box of chocolates or a bouquet of red roses, but just because commercials and society say that's how it should be, doesn't mean we shouldn't challenge that thinking. My roommate works at Bon Bon, the local candy shop in Winslow, and we all know that the store is going to be packed today with desperate customers asking what they should get their significant other. Hint: not some last minute, random piece of chocolate.

You see, it's not about the present. To me, Valentine's Day is about cherishing the person you love, your partner. I watched this beautiful video (and then couldn't help watching the whole series), which asked couples how they would describe their feelings for their partner without using the word "love." It's so easy to say you love someone, but describing why can deepen those feelings and reveal just how much you care. In my opinion, telling your Valentine why or how you love them could truly be the best gift you give them.

So maybe open yourself up to alternative ways to celebrate your love this Valentine's Day. Write down all the things that you love about your significant other. Hug them a little tighter, and kiss them a little longer. Give them a true compliment about their character. Put a song on and slow dance to it. Hold their hand. Tell them one of your favorite memories together. Make dinner together. Do something for your partner just because you know it will make them happy. Show them how much you care because when it truly comes down to it, the little things are what count, not the material items.

It's always nice to know that my parents are thinking about me. They sent me a countdown to Valentine's Day box. I was instructed to open one bag a day until the 14th. My parents definitely know me well because today I opened Dove dark chocolates and strawberry Peeps (my fav), but I especially liked the personalized messages they printed & pasted on the box.

I walked into the YES! office on Friday and at every desk was a red tulip, Red Hots in the shape of hearts, and a chocolate heart. It definitely brightened my day and put me in the Valentine's spirit.

Although I'm not a fan of consuming these candy hearts, they sure are a cute decoration in the YES! office.

Tulip from work #ValentinesDaySelfie