Excuses are not enough

This post is a prelude to Natalie's 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 1.


Around this time two years ago, I had just moved clear across the country - from Michigan to Washington state - to begin the life I had dreamed of for years. I began as an intern at YES! Magazine, a non-profit publication whose goal is to inform people on issues and then give them practical action steps on how to make a difference in society.

I loved my co-workers, the environment, Bainbridge Island, the short ferry ride to Seattle, how the articles I wrote seemingly made a difference to the readers, and the new independence I felt living in city that had so much to explore. I learned a tremendous amount, met interesting people with unique perspectives, and experienced so many new things.

When the internship came to an end though, I wasn't sure what to do. Like always, fear and courage came together at a peak, each bringing seemingly valid points to the argument of to stay or leave Seattle.

I ended up deciding to stay. I found a room to rent and started looking for a job, but those fears I mentioned earlier kept creeping back into my mind. I looked and looked for a job, but kept getting discouraged. Every day I became more stressed about sustaining myself. I applied at the Target within walking distance of my house, but they even denied me. This dream life of mine was becoming less and less visible.

I ended up buying a ticket home.

I felt like I had failed, I felt ashamed that I couldn't make it work, and I was embarrassed that I let fear swoop in.

After a few months home, I came across an article that brought the life back in my eyes. It featured Shay Brown and Cassie Torrecillas of Bucketlist Bombshells talking about their new Work Online and Travel the World Course. They had decided to drop the 9-5 routine and embark on a digital nomad lifestyle where they would travel around the world working from their laptops. This was my first introduction to this type of lifestyle and, let me tell you, I was hooked.

But that initial inspiration slowly dissipated as obligations arose and those full days of work left me tired. I didn't finish the course, but kept saying I would make time for it.

A year later, Cassie and Shay start promoting their next round of the course. I thought it was the perfect time to get back in the saddle and begin the course again. I began, but yet again, haven't finished. Oh how those excuses pile up.

When I look at my life, there seems to be so many avenues that I could and want to go down. There's the dream to travel the world, working from my laptop in villages awaiting exploration and experience. There's the dream of living in Seattle, working at a publication. There's the dream of being an author and writing something that will mean something to someone. There's the dream of opening a boutique and selling beautiful things. There's the dream of creating parties that will give people memories for a lifetime. There's so much I want to do, yet the thought of that is so overwhelming that it can cause me to procrastinate and make no progress down any of the avenues. Not good.

The ultimate question is: what will make me happy?
But the question I need to analyze first is: what challenges are holding me back from making necessary changes so I can begin to live the life that will make me happy?

And that is what I'll conquer in my next post [view it here]

First poem officially in print

It's not #ThrowbackThursday, but I have something from a few months ago to share. While I was living on Bainbridge Island, I went to the local bookstore, searching around for local poets' writing on the shelves. One of the books I pulled was an assortment of poems that had won the Poetry Corner's Contest sponsored by the Bainbridge Island Arts & Humanity Council.

After buying the book, reading it from cover to cover, I looked the competition up online and found that they celebrated National Poetry Month (April) by publishing the chosen poems, having a live reading, and posting the poems in the windows of businesses on the island for people to read as they passed by by.

The theme for 2015 was "Peace" and when I looked through my poems, I couldn't find anything that directly related to that topic. I tend to write about challenges and moments of dramatic impact. Even though nothing seemed to fit the theme, I submitted three poems, not expecting anything except a rejection letter.

Forgetting that I had even submitted the poems, I logged into my email one day at YES! and read the word "congratulations" and my stomach sunk. I had never been published before, and when I saw which poem had won, I got a little nervous.

The poem that they chose is called "Bruises, Blood, Dust" and it follows a mother and daughter struggling in an abusive home. The reason my stomach was in knots when I saw this poem had won was because many people write from their personal experiences and sometimes I do too, but the scenario in the poem is far from anything I've ever experienced. 

I can't remember what sparked this poem, but I can still clearly see the image of the home I created in my mind and distress that ran through my veins as I described what the characters were going through. All I know is I felt the need to write about this topic.

Although I was unable to attend the live reading from the poetry collection, I did order a copy of the book -- my first published poem. Kind of exciting.

My poem was displayed at the Bainbridge Island library

Published in print. So crazy.

Bruises, Blood, Dust

             by Kayla Schultz

It sounds like a band, drumming

to the beat of skin against skin,

bone against flesh. The thump, thump

thumping of her falling to the dirty kitchen tile,

scrubbed weekly, never clean.

she is inhaling, exhaling calmly,

walking away with dry cheeks, purpled

the color of grape lollipops.

Sticky red dribbling from her nose,

tickling like strawberry juice running

down swollen cheeks. Her daughter’s

tiny arm clings to Raggedy Anne,

healed with hand-sewn patches

in the shape of hearts to cover the gashes.

Rising from the tile, mother and daughter

walk hand in hand out the screen door,

You’ll never get away with this, he yells,

pounding his fists against the porch railing,

watching dust from the dirt road

envelop them until they disappear. 

I just booked a ticket back home to Michigan...APRIL FOOLS!

Wait...I'm staying in Seattle? Yup.

It was getting down to the wire. I had to choose: a plane ticket or an apartment.

There were pros and cons to each. It's so much safer to go home where I can see my family, cuddle with my dog and sleep in my room. But then again, would I be able to find a job in my small town? Well, I would be applying to places everywhere and could move to that location when I got the job. But it's so much harder to get a job when you aren't in that city. I do have a couple of leads on jobs I want in Seattle, but who knows when they will get back to me?

I struggled to sort through my thoughts and asked a TON of people their advice. B told me to get an apartment and take a chance because if I go home I could get stuck. My grandma said maybe I should wait it out and see if any of these jobs come through. She reminded me that my mom went to California when she was young and it opened her eyes and fostered a lot of self-growth. MSM told me to come home and then quickly changed his mind and said I better stay because I always do the opposite of what he says.

It was such a difficult decision. And then I made up my mind. I called my dad up and said with vigor "I'm coming home, Dad!" Guess what he said. He said that I have some really good opportunities in Seattle. He told me he wanted me to be happy and that he knows that I really want a job and that it wouldn't hurt to stick it out here. He'd hate to see me fly all the way back to Michigan and get an offer and have to fly all the way back to Seattle. "Think it over," he said.

Thanks a lot, Dad. I'd already thought about it so hard, why'd he have to go and mix me up again? That night, my mind was still set on going home. I think I was also so ready to leave because I had been looking for a room to rent with hardly any luck. If I were going to stay, I needed to know I wasn't going to be homeless. Finally, some people finally responded to me and although this didn't change my mind about leaving, it made me breathe a little easier.

So Monday, I decided to take a look at a room so I took the ferry across Puget Sound, wandered around until I found the Pioneer Square station, rode the bus across town, and walked until I found the house I was looking for. In her car was the rental manager. She showed me around the house and it looked like these girls were young, welcoming, fun people. There was a well-stocked bookshelf, St. Patrick's Day decorations, a dry erase board with their names and pictures of what they did (one had a stethoscope, another a cocktail, etc.). I told the lady I'd think about it and took a stroll. The public library was across from the bus stop and had a gorgeous little nature area. Just steps from that was a mall and shopping area and after awhile, I started to think I could see myself there.

So yesterday, I decided to jump on the opportunity. Even today I called my dad again upset and wanting to come home, but he talked me through it. I'm not sure what will come of it, but I'm going to work my tail off to get where I want to be, whether I stay here or go home. But for now, I'm going to try it out. Sooooo please send good vibes my way and I'll try to send some back. xoxo

Lovin' the sun

I'm not sure how to say this without bragging, but Washington has had perfect weather the last few days - warm, sunny, and blue skies. Back home in Michigan, from what I hear, the snow has been debilitating. The Oceana County Sheriff's Department has been repeatedly urging people to stay off the roads and use caution when braving the storm. A deputy even had to abandon his police cruiser in the extremely cold conditions after being stranded for 7 hours. 

Here on Bainbridge, spring has sprung. There have been a few conversations over lunch at YES! about how warm this winter has been. Usually, Bainbridge gets at least a little bit of snow, but this year, we've only been dusted once. Although I can't complain, I wonder how it will affect the crops and if this will have consequences. Nonetheless, I'm going to enjoy the sunshine.

The last few weekends, I've taken a stroll down to Eagle Harbor and sat on the driftwood watching the ferry dock and depart. With the shore being very rocky, it's better to just sit and listen to the water slosh up rather than brave walking on the slippery stones. I've done it, and it's not as fun as walking on the smooth, sandy shoreline of Lake Michigan.

The flowers are blooming on the island.

Look at all those rocks. Very hard to walk on them.

Glass bottle on shore.

Eagle Harbor

My dad keeps asking if I've gotten any pictures of the mountains. Here's a pic of the ferry coming back from Seattle and the mountains in the background.

Vows to my future partner + Valentine's Day shenanigans

Isn't this raspberry chocolate ladybug truffle from Bon Bon the cutest? It even has spots in the shape of hearts. 

"I vow to always hand-write you a Valentine's letter to explain how much I love you. I vow to set the alarm 15 minutes early every morning so we have time to cuddle before getting ready for work."

As I laid in my bed last night thinking about love (because of Valentine's Day, of course), I started to ramble off promises I wanted to make with my future partner - the whole time replaying the scene from The Vow, and envisioning a "perfect" relationship where you can be goofy, serious, loving, 100 percent yourself and know your partner still cherishes you.

You see, that's the type of relationship I want. That's the type of relationship I've had and the type of relationship I hope to experience again. Although I'm single this Feb. 14th, I am not wallowing. I am so grateful for the people in my life. I'm not sad that I don't have a Valentine because I can feel it in my bones that my partner will come to me when the time is right. It might be someone already in my life, or it might be someone I've yet to meet, but my heart flutters at the thought that I will someday spend this day with my other half (I know, I know, ahh the gush). And I refuse to be one of those desperate lovers who settles - and I'd suggest you not be that person either because life is too short.

This morning I grabbed toast from Blackbird Bakery and in the display case sat homemade X & O cookies for lovebirds on the island. Right then I realized that this year I had not felt so turned off to Valentine's Day. Here on Bainbridge Island, I am hardly bombarded by consumerism. Almost all the businesses here are locally-owned, meaning I haven't encountered aisles and aisles of v-day exploitation. This, I think, has made me more aware of my feelings toward the holiday: that it should be more rooted in love than generic gifts.

Many feel obligated to get their honey a box of chocolates or a bouquet of red roses, but just because commercials and society say that's how it should be, doesn't mean we shouldn't challenge that thinking. My roommate works at Bon Bon, the local candy shop in Winslow, and we all know that the store is going to be packed today with desperate customers asking what they should get their significant other. Hint: not some last minute, random piece of chocolate.

You see, it's not about the present. To me, Valentine's Day is about cherishing the person you love, your partner. I watched this beautiful video (and then couldn't help watching the whole series), which asked couples how they would describe their feelings for their partner without using the word "love." It's so easy to say you love someone, but describing why can deepen those feelings and reveal just how much you care. In my opinion, telling your Valentine why or how you love them could truly be the best gift you give them.

So maybe open yourself up to alternative ways to celebrate your love this Valentine's Day. Write down all the things that you love about your significant other. Hug them a little tighter, and kiss them a little longer. Give them a true compliment about their character. Put a song on and slow dance to it. Hold their hand. Tell them one of your favorite memories together. Make dinner together. Do something for your partner just because you know it will make them happy. Show them how much you care because when it truly comes down to it, the little things are what count, not the material items.

It's always nice to know that my parents are thinking about me. They sent me a countdown to Valentine's Day box. I was instructed to open one bag a day until the 14th. My parents definitely know me well because today I opened Dove dark chocolates and strawberry Peeps (my fav), but I especially liked the personalized messages they printed & pasted on the box.

I walked into the YES! office on Friday and at every desk was a red tulip, Red Hots in the shape of hearts, and a chocolate heart. It definitely brightened my day and put me in the Valentine's spirit.

Although I'm not a fan of consuming these candy hearts, they sure are a cute decoration in the YES! office.

Tulip from work #ValentinesDaySelfie

a year to remember

A year is a long time, yet it isn't.

I remember very clearly how unsettled I felt at the end of last year. Things weren't going as I had planned, and I wasn't happy. I tore my room apart, wanting a new start and thinking that I needed to start the transformation by bringing a different vibe to the place I called home.

I wanted to be surrounded by inspiration. I printed out my favorite poems, tacking them to my wall. I took down every photograph and replaced it with my own drawings. I had forgotten how much I loved to draw. I tried to quit gcmag, but after a lot of deliberation and encouragement from Jess, I decided to stay and do things a little differently.

I changed my priorities. I took chances. On people. On things in my life.

I went to Georgia, NYC, Washington, made unforgettable memories with so many people, and sometimes I still feel like I accomplished nothing. Here I am at the end of 2014, and some of the things I wanted most didn't work out.

If I push all the chaos to the side for a moment and allow myself to become introspective, a calm comes over me. The things that happen to me, the choices I make will come and pass. They will take me somewhere. To where - I don't know, but I have to trust that the pieces of my life that I perceive as wrinkles, will somehow iron out.

This year was beyond my expectations. I am so grateful. I just hope to start this year with a similar view - to make decisions for me, to keep the inspiration flowing, and to keep my mind and heart open to the possibilities life offers.

Here's an overload of pictures that show just how much joy this year brought me:

GEORGIA

In February, I traveled to Savannah, Ga. with the Central Michigan University Sigma Tau Delta chapter. Many of my peers presented papers and poetry, and I sat in on seminars about English and interacted with literature-loving friends. We also took some time to explore the history of the area and soak in some much needed sunshine.

NEW YORK CITY

 The Grand Central Magazine editors had the opportunity to go to NYC for a media conference. They had a little bit of everything there: seminars for editorial, PR, advertising, lit mags, photography, etc. We spent an afternoon in Central Park, got on the subway to find the best pizza in NYC and ended up in a scary part of town, and did some touristy things. I also lost my phone.

MY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION

My birthday was literally the best. I don't like to do much for my birthdays, but my roommates talked me into a party. My roomies and I had themed parties for almost every occasion, so this was no exception. My birthday was casino-themed, hence the glasses, and red/black attire. We danced ALL night, and I hope everyone had just as much fun as I did.

One of the biggest surprises of the day was when I opened a present from Benj. It was a signed book of poetry by Aimee Nezhukumatathil! It meant so much to me because I told  him that she had written my favorite poem called "Small Murders." I feel like no one would remember something like that (especially with such a long and uncommon last name), but he remembered and reached out to her to write a special birthday message, which is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. I was also super surprised when I realized that later in the year I would be going to see Lana Del Rey with Jas and Lauren!

GRAND CENTRAL MAGAZINE

Being an editor for Grand Central Magazine had it's ups and downs, but I am so thankful for the experience. I met some amazing people who I can truly call friends. A huge shout out to the campus life crew who made my job fun and exciting with all their fresh article ideas. Miss you all.

GRADUATION

I graduated! Yes, we might've done a huge photo shoot (sorry, Matt), but it was a big occasion for Megan, Jas, and I. After our ceremonies, Jas, my fam, and I went to Cops & Doughnuts in Clare. They had a mug shot poster, and we couldn't resist snapping a few pics.

SOME OF THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE EVER

Where do I even start? I have such great memories with each and every person in these pictures. From roomie love, to getting all gussied up for the military ball, to working with Ed on his book and going to  his wedding, to becoming even closer to muh girl Jess, to amazing adventures with Benj. Thankful for all of you!

SUMMER

This summer I spent a lot of time looking for a job. It wasn't a super successful venture, but I did get the internship at YES! The summer consisted of sanding, priming, and painting my grandma's garage - and it took forever. We also did a lot of blueberry and cherry picking in the orchards around her house. I played mom for a week and it was a lot of fun spending so much time with Isaac and Chloe. In July, I watched a miracle happen - baby Elijah was brought into the world. Before Benj shipped off to China, we went to Dow Gardens, the beach, and failed miserably at trying to pitch a tent. I also got to kiss my sweet dog, Bo, for the last time.

WASHINGTON

At the end of September, my parents and I flew to Washington. I started at YES! Magazine on Bainbridge Island as an online reporting intern at the beginning of October. You can read about some of my adventures in Washington here, here, here, and here. Although I was in Michigan for Christmas, I am back in Washington to begin the new year.

I have three more months at YES! Magazine. I suspect that this year will be full of changes and struggles as I transition into full-blown adulthood (finding a career, starting to build a life for myself), but I'm ready to conquer it. Hopefully.

Happy New Year everyone.

Part IV: Breathtaking mountain range + red and blue flashing lights

After touring around Seattle for a few days, we jumped on the ferry to Bainbridge Island - my home for the next six months (well, three now since I'm such a procrastinator and haven't uploaded all of this trip yet). I wanted to look around and get a feel for the town before I officially moved there.

So we drove through the city, trying to figure out where the ferry was. It was a little complicated because they were starting construction on the waterfront. When we finally found the entrance, we were guided to a line of cars where we would wait for the ferry to return.

We got out of our rental car, and what was the first thing my dad saw? A Michigan State license plate cover. Being the social man that he is, he approaches the vehicle and starts a conversation with the woman inside. Come to find out, there is a Michigan State community on the island (which I haven't actually found).

It didn't take long for the boat to arrive, so we got back in our car, drove on the ferry, and took the 30 minute ride to the island. When we made it to Bainbridge, my first impression was that it was cute little town with a homey vibe. There was a farmers market taking place and people flooded the wonderful little shops along the main street. We stopped for lunch at a little cafe, then wandered around until we found the house where I would be living.

Our day was far from over though. We planned to get to Port Angeles that day, so we headed North over the bridge. This was the first time we got to see Washington's wilderness. I have to admit that I dozed off a little bit, but let me assure you, I was fully awake when a certain incident involving my dad happened.

We were driving, watching the trees go by and seeing the mountains get bigger as we approached. We were getting really close to Port Angeles and were driving on a road that looked similar to a expressway in Michigan. As we are cruising, the SUV-type vehicle in front of us puts on their brakes, so my dad gets over and passes them. A few seconds later, I see red and blue lights reflecting and as I look behind, I see the lights of a cop car.

My dad pulls over, saying genuinely that they must've gotten a call and need to get by. He was wrong. They were pulling him over. Although the road looked like an expressway, the speed limit was not 70 mph. The police officer did his usual questioning of how fast he was going and my dad apologized. The cop let him off, but every 5 seconds, I saw my dad peeking in his rearview mirror and then back to the speedometer. It was kinda funny.

We made it to Port Angeles in the evening and took a ride up to Hurricane Ridge. It was beautiful. We saw two families of deer, and a bunny. When we are at national parks, we stop a gazillion times as we drive up the mountain so we can see all the gorgeous views of the mountains, rivers, and landscapes. At a certain point on the way up, we were above the clouds and fog hovered in the mountains below us. It was majestic and one of my favorite parts of the trip.

The ferry to Bainbridge is ready for us to board.

Welcome to the island.

Last year at Central Michigan University, I attended the annual pow wow. There were a bunch of tribes that created all the music for the dance competition. They had amazing food and I didn't want to leave because I was so entranced by the event. Since then, I've been really interested in the culture, so I made my dad stop at this reservation so I could look at the beautiful totem poles.

I actually had the honor of talking to a First Nations master carver for an article that should be coming out this week at yesmagazine.org, so look out for it on the website. It was such a great experience learning about him, his art, and just chatting about life in general.

Going up to Hurricane Ridge in Olympic National Park.

Los padres.

This duo was walking around in the road. I was so scared they were going to get hit by a car.

Above the clouds. This picture doesn't do the scene justice.

Look at those mountains.

Breathtaking.

The first snow on Bainbridge + Seattle sunsets

Snow has finally arrived on Bainbridge Island. I was very surprised when, through my blinds, I saw white dusting the leaves outside my window. I had been unusually cold when I went to bed Friday, but I thought nothing of snow! The snow and cold weather made it seem a little more like the holidays.

It was Small Business Saturday, so I walked downtown to find that Winslow had no power. There were a bunch of people, so most of the shops were open, just working with the sunlight shining through the windows and making sales the old fashion way.

I decided to take a trip over to Seattle and the waves were so big. The boat was swaying, and I was trying to breathe deep and not let the motion sickness get to me. I started walking downtown and looking in shops, but of course made it over to Pike Place, which was crowded. Santa was taking present orders, and carolers sang Christmas songs.

I snapped a picture of the beautiful sunset behind Pike Place.

My camera doesn't like to take pictures in the dark, but this was on the way back to Bainbridge while I was on the ferry. I have yet to be on the ferris wheel. I'll check it off soon though, don't you worry.

Seattle lights 'a shinin'