sitting in a bookstore + searching for jobs, purpose

Making: My own beauty supplies is fun. Hopefully they work #chemicalfreelife

Cooking: With others makes everything better

Drinking: Chai Frap

Reading: It's All About Love by Bell Hooks

 
Wanting: To find a job for after my job ends at the school asap

Looking: For that perfect job that combines my passions

Playing: Audioslave this morning was a good idea

Wasting: I feel like I'm always wasting time, never getting enough done

Sewing: Together words verbally can really be difficult for me sometimes 

Wishing: My life was just planned out to exactly what I want and need. It would be so much easier

Enjoying: The warm weather. Come on Spring

Waiting: For the flowers to bloom

Liking: The turquoise nail polish I'm rocking.

Wondering: How many books I have on my bookshelf, but have not read

Loving: Being able to sit on my front porch when the sun is shining

Hoping: To realize my soul's purpose

Marveling: At how fragile life is

Needing: To make the steps to move forward with my life and accomplish my goals

Smelling: Cinna-something

Wearing: My CMU sweatshirt #represent

Following: Travel bloggers on social media

Noticing: That life passes you by if you don't embrace and live it while you can

Knowing: That decisions need to be made before June

Thinking: I don't want my birthday to come in a few weeks

Feeling: Anxious

Bookmarking: So many books of poetry I want to read

Opening: My email and seeing how many are unopened is like nails on a chalkboard

Giggling: Has been coming much more often lately, and I am very thankful

here comes peter cottontail

"Here comes Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail, hippity hoppity Easter's on it's way," I sang as I peeled off egg shells for deviled eggs. My mom joined in, and I'm pretty sure our dog went in the other room to get away from our out-of-tune voices.

Although I am not very religious, I appreciate that Easter is a holiday that symbolizes rebirth. With Spring bringing the grass back to life and aiding the flowers in blooming, I can't help but love the season. It doesn't hurt that my birthday is in Spring, too.

Although we had an ice storm just a few days ago, the temperatures rose just in time for Easter, melting the snow, and bringing sun for our family dinner today. My mom set the table with pink dishes, white milk glasses, and Easter decorations to pull off another beautiful get together.

Last night, my mom and I sat around the kitchen table writing names on eggs with a wax crayon and dipping them into dye. As an extra touch, she bought egg holders that were glazed in pastel colors and shaped like tulips. These served as placemarks for the guests, which pulled the whole table together.

Along with the table setting, she decorated the house with bunnies, chicks, flowers, and more. Take a look at what our Easter entailed and I hope you had a wonderful day yourself.

Old children's books that feature bunnies and ducklings.

A little stuffed carrot bundle.

Left: It's hard to find tins anywhere these days, but we have a Paas Dye Company one that will be an antique at some point. Right: Pink plate on pink plate + egg place setting. 

Easter bunnies taking a break -- Easter Greetings!

We even have Easter salt and pepper shakers.

Bowl of wooden eggs.

Ham, fruit salad, olives and pickles -- just the start.

Our feast #mouthwatering

 

Deviled eggs are delish.

Bunny in a cabbage water pitcher.

My favorite brother, Colton. I love him so.

My dad and I.

Easter flowers, yo.

9 years since my grandma passed

We sat around the hospital bed in my grandma's house, my family's arms or legs or shoulders touching as we watched the slow breaths rise and fall from her chest. She looked small, skinny, fragile, her cancerous body lying under the thick covers.

I had rushed out of class, leaving homework in my locker when my dad called saying we needed to drive to my grandma's house to say our last goodbyes. We knew she would pass soon, the cancer she had fought for three years was taking a toll on her strength and memory.

When first diagnosed with oral cancer in Florida, I was young and ignorant about what it was. My grandma went to Florida every winter, but this time she hadn't come back because she had gotten sick, my parents told me. She was always a fighter, so I had no doubts she would come back soon enough. But as time progressed, she got so ill that the doctors were weary if she would make it, and my family made the decision to fly her back to Michigan in a medical helicopter so she could spend her days around people that loved her. 

When she arrived, she was nothing like the grandma I knew. The cancer, chemo, and radiation had taken her hope. Her face was burnt, covered in dried blood, and she was skin and bones. My aunt, a nurse, became her caretaker, and as time progressed and much work, she regained strength and ability. I think a lot of this improvement came from being around her family. Never underestimate being around people you love and that love you.

With my grandma  having oral cancer, the radiation was done on her jawline, making it hard to communicate verbally. It was painful and when she did try to talk, it was hard to understand. As a 14-year-old, I tried to understand the words, saying back what I thought she had said, but I knew I wasn't getting it right. She looked frustrated, I felt bad, but I looked into her eyes and I could feel the love she was sending my way non-verbally and I was grateful.

Those moments of eyes-locked, silent interaction are one of the most meaningful moments and I will never forget the ones with my grandma.

As my family surrounded her bed, eyes bloodshot from tears, we touched her spot-aged hands to feel the warmth for the last time. My mom's leg started bouncing uncontrollably from the uncomfortable impact of the moment and I watched it shake the bed slightly. In that moment I was mad at her for this, the last moments of my grandma's life distracted by a constant bounce. I touched her leg and she slowed, the tears on the edge of her eyes. This bounce was her coping mechanism.

My dad took his mother's wrist in his hand as my aunt told my grandma it was OK to go towards the white light, that we were OK. She shut the breathing machine off and she said it again gently. My dad felt as her pulse slowed and stopped. We watched as the last exhale left her body 9 years ago today.

As I was thinking of her throughout the day, I began making a mental list of things that I remember about her. I was 16-years-old when she passed, so the way I looked at moments was juvenile and different than I would today, but these are some of the things I thought of 

-pearly pink nails

-gardening

-lipstick

-coffee

-4th of July parties

-peanut butter cereal bars

-classical music

-the one time I spent the night at her house

-those pesky deer eating her garden

-snow bird

-the Samantha American Girl doll she got me for Christmas

-bird clock that tweeted every hour

-flower embroidered sweatshirts

-sitting around her kitchen table talking

-her stack of crafts and novels on her kitchen table

-her stubborness

-her strength

-telling me that she was glad I didn't wear a lot of makeup because I looked beautiful naturally

-always trying to teach me something, whether it be personally or with a science kit for my birthday

-so excited to give me clothes she found at a yard sale

-when she came to my cheer competition even though she was weak and ill

-visiting her in Florida and picking grapefruit every morning

...just to name a few. Miss and love her forever.

St. Paddy's Day Lunch

Did you wear green on St. Patrick's Day? If  you didn't, did you get pinched? 

For many, wearing green is the extent of their dedication to the holiday. For others, it's a day to get drunk on green beer. For my mom, it's a day to decorate, cook Irish food, and gather around the table. 

It can be a lot of work putting a themed lunch together between choosing a menu, buying the ingredients, making the food, and decorating, but she loves it. A few weekends ago, she went antique shopping with my grandma and picked up a set of dishes with an intricate green design just for the party. She came home itching to show me the find that would bring the whole lunch together.

After searching the internet for what type of foods she would make, she settled on beef stew, soda bread, and coleslaw. She couldn't decide on an Irish dessert, so my grandma made no-bake cookies. Although not Irish, you can never go bad with no-bakes. The meal truly was delicious.

An antique find

Singing leprechaun figurine sitting on a pot of gold

A peak at the green decorations 

Do you decorate the bathroom for holidays, too? These shamrocks are hanging from the shower curtain 

Homemade beef stew with huge chunks of meat and potatoes

Yum

Soda bread + coleslaw

And next week -- Easter. Now we have to disassemble St. Paddy's Day decorations and get out the bunnies and baby chicks.

note to self: giggle more

Making: plans to take over the world muahahaha. Or maybe just travel the world.

Cooking: sweet potato enchiladas for dinner #yum

Drinking: Mountain Dew. It's so bad for me.

Reading : "You're Not You" Michelle Wildgen #mustread

Wanting: to find a job that I love in a place that I love.

Looking: for a new poet to get obsessed with.

Playing: Spanish lessons on Spotify. I want to be able to speak it better.

Wasting: money on stupid stuff when I should be saving every penny. 

Wishing: it were Spring already.

Enjoying: The Magicians on Syfy. It's my new fav show.

Waiting: to get brave enough to take those big risks I want to take.

Liking: how much I've been reading lately. It's relaxing and opens my mind.

Wondering: if I'll ever be a functioning adult.

Loving: Flow Magazine.

Hoping: to get back into running when the weather starts cooperating.

Marveling: at the power of being around your friends. This weekend was much needed.

Needing: sun. So sick of the winter blues.

Wearing: a blue vintage 70's dress that I purchased at Goodwill #whatasteal

Following: up on plans I set is so hard for a procrastinator.

Noticing: how fast time flies. Being back in Mt. Pleasant this past weekend reminded me of how happy I was there and how many amazing people I was surrounded by --and that was two years ago #crazy

Knowing: that nothing is certain. 

Thinking: about the many lives I could have. About how many lives I won't live, but I will live one.

Feeling: anxious, antsy, ready for anything but snow.

Bookmarking: "5 Ways Parents Slut-Shame Their Kids, And Why It Matters" featured on Bustle.

Opening: a book is the best feeling.

Giggling: doesn't always happen enough, but it really is the best.

muskegon museum of art with the bestie

On Thursdays at the Muskegon Museum of Art, there is free admission in the evening hosted by Meijer. I had been cooped up for awhile, so I decided to take a drive to check out the new exhibits and visit with my bestie. The picture above was part of the Postcard Salon.

One of the other exhibits featured the work of Bryan Collier, a beautiful illustrator. I, Too, America: The Art of Bryan Collier featured spreads from his book illustrated to the words of Langston Hughes. Not only were they beautiful, but they were multi-dimensional pieces of thought-provoking images. The art will be displayed until April 17, celebrating Black History Month and March is Reading Month. Collier has so many awards to his name (not surprised!), so if you're interested in more history, check out this page.

The other exhibit is called Common Ground, a collected work of African American artists from the 19th century to now. The exhibit displays sculptures, photographs, paintings and drawings that show culture, social and political issues, identity, and more. Through the art, you can feel the 200 year history being explained through lens, paintbrush, and sculpture.

Of course I loved exploring the museum and seeing the art, but I also enjoyed hanging out with my best friend, Jasmine. Although we only live 30 minutes from each other, we don't see each other as much as we should. It was a blessing to have two of my favorite things together for a night.

Part of the I, Too, Am America exhibit with illustrations by Bryan Collier.I love how Collier has an image, but always has the flag incorporated as well. In this one, the stripes are flowing down across his face.

This is the book written by Bryan Collier.

Jasmine looking intently at one of the pictures in Collier's exhibit.

Mother and son riding on the train (I think it was a train, but it could be a different type of transportation).

An up-close view of how the pictures are pieced together. The images are cut and glued together to bring a multi-dimensional facet.

The museum had a cash bar where I got a glass of red wine. Also, a cheese and crackers spread from The Cheese Lady. It was delicious - The Cheese Lady always knows the right pairings. Yum.

This painting was part of the permanent collection, but it was one of the most intricate and beautiful pieces I saw. It is called Chain Gain Picking Cotton #2 by Winfred Rembert. It is made of dye on carved and tooled leather.

Art lovin' despite the look on my face.

We can relate to this quote, can't we? This was part of the Postcard Salon.

Wall of postcards.

This definitely speaks to me, being a lover of both poetry and nature. They are what keeps me grounded and sane.

Devastating and breathtaking oil and pencil drawing in the Common Ground exhibit. This piece was done by Charles White and is called Wanted Poster Series #17. White had been looking at wanted posters for runaway slaves, which inspired this piece of art. On the left side, names are written.

I love this sculpture and it's stance. It is called Maquette for Noah's Ark: Sophisticated Lady by Charles McGee. It is made of steel and enamel.

This piece is Love Letter, also by Charles White. This one grabbed my attention right away. I love the collage feel, the portrait, abstractness, and rose. It impacts with its simplicity.

This Ernest C. Withers photograph is called Daddy, I Want to Be Free Too. It's part of the Political and Social Expressions section of the Common Ground  exhibit.

grappling with the weight of life

This life.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with It. Or maybe, I just don't know what to do with myself within it. And sometimes I wonder when my life is going to click into place. If ever.

I believe in the power of thoughts and intentions. With that in mind, I can't seem to find the strength to put positive energy into the things that I want to have and accomplish. I'm stuck in a blah bubble and have been here for such a long time - probably about a year now. I have had ups where I am motivated and passionate, but they soon fade, and I don't know how to make them permanent.

I think a lot of people go through this. I'm not alone in this feeling, right?

It might have something to do with not knowing what I want. It also could have something to do with being scared. Maybe not knowing how to maneuver through to my goals. I loved living in places where inspiration came from just a short walk or small talk with a stranger. Living in cities gave me an expansive imagination, showing me what I could have. Here in this small wintery town, there's little to be inspired by. I tend to spend my days alone and I think it's draining me of my essence.

Being 25 years-old, I'm at the age where wanting a partner is starting to float into my thoughts with gumption. It's a weird feeling because I still feel young, wanting to venture to new places and experience the world, but I also want a family. I know having a family doesn't mean that traveling isn't an option. I see stories about the most adorable families traveling, but the realist in me knows that only few can actually do that between stationary jobs, expenses, and life. I mean, I can hardly take care of myself, how do I expect to take care of a family and travel on top of that?


I grapple with what it's like to be an adult, be the person I want to be, and finding a path that will make me happy. Life is a sticky mess right now and I don't have answers or solutions for those who are in the same boat. I guess it's just a day-by-day journey to finding a happy state of mind - and life. If you're also struggling, maybe we could join forces and find motivation together. Get in touch.

Selah.