Listen to your soul. It knows the way.

This blog post is in response to Natalie's 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 2. You can also view my prelude and response to day 1.

Freedom. What an interesting and complicated word to analyze. In this day in age, I sometimes get the sense that people view freedom as either having total freedom in all areas of their life or they have no freedom at all and are totally restricted. I've fallen into this mindset in terms of trying to find a career, finding a location to live and start a career, and in committing to relationships. 

This mindset has mutilated the true meaning of freedom and not served me on my journey toward the life that I want to live. 

I think the opposite of freedom is fear. You probably realized in my first response to the 10DFBC that I've realized fear tends to dominate my actions. I'm working on it, OK? If you're like me, our journey needs to be about catching those fears as they pop in our thoughts or out our mouth (usually in the form of excuses), take note of them, and try to analyze why they are burdening us.

I was looking around online for something relating to the word freedom, and I discovered a quote by Andrea Balt that really made me think: Freedom is not about the size of your cage or power of your wings or non-attachment to a person or thing. Freedom is about being so truly, madly, and deeply attached to your soul that you can't bear - if only for a moment - a life that doesn't honor it. 

Balt sums up what I've felt and known about freedom but couldn't put in my own words. It always comes down to soul. When I think about what would make my soul most happy, I think about seeing and experiencing cultures I have not before. The human condition and learning about the lives of others is what drew me to study both English and journalism. 

When I push all the restrictions of what people should or can do as society has set them, push the restrictions of money and fear of logistics aside, freedom to me looks like traveling and interacting with people around the world, learning their life stories and struggles. I would follow them around and see their normal day and share that with the world. I see so much truth and beauty in the normal lives of people and I think having others see it too would ground them.

It didn't hit me until right now that I was obsessed with a book as a child that probably planted the seed to write about the lives of ordinary people around the country. I loved DK books when I was younger, but I used to look at Children Just Like Me all the time. The book celebrates children from all over the world, telling about their families, what they eat, what types of homes they live in, their hobbies, and so much more. I would look at their pictures, read about them and it made me sit and wonder how people around the world can be so different, but yet just the same. 

Wow. Sometimes connections just hit you and leave you in awe. 

I was always drawn to this page the most. Funny thing is, I recently started studying Russian, which is where these two girls were from.

I wonder where these children are now.

What is holding you back from taking the leap?

Buddhist temple in Chaing Mai, Thailand. Photo taken by js42

This blog post is in response to Natalie's 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 1. To read a little backstory on my need to take this challenge, visit here.



The big question of the day is: what challenges are holding you back from making necessary changes so you can begin to live the life that will make you happy?

Like I mentioned in this post, when weighing decisions, fear and courage tend to come to a peak in equal measure for me. I have this drive to take a risk and do something adventurous, but then fear kicks in.

I'm the person that will say I just didn't have time or I'm just not sure if that's the right step for me right now, but those are just excuses for fear. Fear comes in many different outfits and I tend to listen instead of being confident in my abilities and aspirations.

Before you can take that step toward making the plunge into something radically different than your normal life, you should probably look at the fears you have so you can conquer them.

Here are three fears that hold me back when wanting to pursue a digital nomad lifestyle:

1. I won't be able to sustain myself
2. I don't have the right skill set to work digitally
3. Traveling alone 

One of my biggest fears has always been money. Even when I was a little girl, I remember looking at toys and wanting them, but not wanting my parents to spend the money on me. I would also look at my mom's checkbook when we were at the store, making sure we had enough money. 

Where did this come from? I have no idea. Maybe I heard my parents talking about money one day and it stuck, but I have always been anxious when it came to the topic. Naturally, this has haunted me in my adulthood, too.

When thinking about sustaining myself as a digital nomad, number two (not having the right skill set) also pops up. After graduating with an English degree, looking for a career has been difficult when there wasn't a specific job I was trained to do. I have skills, and I can use them in whatever way I see fit. I have had jobs in an office, food program, as a paraprofessional at an elementary school - all jobs that are location dependent.

When I think about working digitally, I wonder if I have the right skill set to work online. What I've come to realize is, I have skills that I could probably sustain myself with and that I'll never get there if I don't try. I recently started the Bucketlist Bombshells Tech Bundle and realized that I knew most of what they were teaching, which struck me with the reality that I have a good set of skills already. As I take more classes on Skillshare, I'll just enhance that spread.

Then there's the fear of traveling alone. 

I've always been an independent introvert, so you might guess that I would be just fine traveling alone, but sometimes I imagine how scary it could be. I think it comes down to how you view the situation though. Living a digital nomad life means that you can travel to the wonders of the world and have unbelievable experiences. What excites me the most about this lifestyle is that you are immersed in a new culture. The architecture, language, food, clothing, the experiences of the locals - there is so much to learn and explore.

One thing that I've realized since being a part of Bucketlist Bombshells is that there is a nomad community. Just visit NomadList and see all the people working digitally in countries around the world. There are groups to join, people to meet, and friends to make in this community, if only you make an effort and really commit yourself.

My goal is to find a community and really look inside myself and see if this is the best step for me. If it is, put everything in it. Stop letting fear creep in. Stop procrastinating.

Excuses are not enough

This post is a prelude to Natalie's 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 1.


Around this time two years ago, I had just moved clear across the country - from Michigan to Washington state - to begin the life I had dreamed of for years. I began as an intern at YES! Magazine, a non-profit publication whose goal is to inform people on issues and then give them practical action steps on how to make a difference in society.

I loved my co-workers, the environment, Bainbridge Island, the short ferry ride to Seattle, how the articles I wrote seemingly made a difference to the readers, and the new independence I felt living in city that had so much to explore. I learned a tremendous amount, met interesting people with unique perspectives, and experienced so many new things.

When the internship came to an end though, I wasn't sure what to do. Like always, fear and courage came together at a peak, each bringing seemingly valid points to the argument of to stay or leave Seattle.

I ended up deciding to stay. I found a room to rent and started looking for a job, but those fears I mentioned earlier kept creeping back into my mind. I looked and looked for a job, but kept getting discouraged. Every day I became more stressed about sustaining myself. I applied at the Target within walking distance of my house, but they even denied me. This dream life of mine was becoming less and less visible.

I ended up buying a ticket home.

I felt like I had failed, I felt ashamed that I couldn't make it work, and I was embarrassed that I let fear swoop in.

After a few months home, I came across an article that brought the life back in my eyes. It featured Shay Brown and Cassie Torrecillas of Bucketlist Bombshells talking about their new Work Online and Travel the World Course. They had decided to drop the 9-5 routine and embark on a digital nomad lifestyle where they would travel around the world working from their laptops. This was my first introduction to this type of lifestyle and, let me tell you, I was hooked.

But that initial inspiration slowly dissipated as obligations arose and those full days of work left me tired. I didn't finish the course, but kept saying I would make time for it.

A year later, Cassie and Shay start promoting their next round of the course. I thought it was the perfect time to get back in the saddle and begin the course again. I began, but yet again, haven't finished. Oh how those excuses pile up.

When I look at my life, there seems to be so many avenues that I could and want to go down. There's the dream to travel the world, working from my laptop in villages awaiting exploration and experience. There's the dream of living in Seattle, working at a publication. There's the dream of being an author and writing something that will mean something to someone. There's the dream of opening a boutique and selling beautiful things. There's the dream of creating parties that will give people memories for a lifetime. There's so much I want to do, yet the thought of that is so overwhelming that it can cause me to procrastinate and make no progress down any of the avenues. Not good.

The ultimate question is: what will make me happy?
But the question I need to analyze first is: what challenges are holding me back from making necessary changes so I can begin to live the life that will make me happy?

And that is what I'll conquer in my next post [view it here]

sitting in a bookstore + searching for jobs, purpose

Making: My own beauty supplies is fun. Hopefully they work #chemicalfreelife

Cooking: With others makes everything better

Drinking: Chai Frap

Reading: It's All About Love by Bell Hooks

 
Wanting: To find a job for after my job ends at the school asap

Looking: For that perfect job that combines my passions

Playing: Audioslave this morning was a good idea

Wasting: I feel like I'm always wasting time, never getting enough done

Sewing: Together words verbally can really be difficult for me sometimes 

Wishing: My life was just planned out to exactly what I want and need. It would be so much easier

Enjoying: The warm weather. Come on Spring

Waiting: For the flowers to bloom

Liking: The turquoise nail polish I'm rocking.

Wondering: How many books I have on my bookshelf, but have not read

Loving: Being able to sit on my front porch when the sun is shining

Hoping: To realize my soul's purpose

Marveling: At how fragile life is

Needing: To make the steps to move forward with my life and accomplish my goals

Smelling: Cinna-something

Wearing: My CMU sweatshirt #represent

Following: Travel bloggers on social media

Noticing: That life passes you by if you don't embrace and live it while you can

Knowing: That decisions need to be made before June

Thinking: I don't want my birthday to come in a few weeks

Feeling: Anxious

Bookmarking: So many books of poetry I want to read

Opening: My email and seeing how many are unopened is like nails on a chalkboard

Giggling: Has been coming much more often lately, and I am very thankful

here comes peter cottontail

"Here comes Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail, hippity hoppity Easter's on it's way," I sang as I peeled off egg shells for deviled eggs. My mom joined in, and I'm pretty sure our dog went in the other room to get away from our out-of-tune voices.

Although I am not very religious, I appreciate that Easter is a holiday that symbolizes rebirth. With Spring bringing the grass back to life and aiding the flowers in blooming, I can't help but love the season. It doesn't hurt that my birthday is in Spring, too.

Although we had an ice storm just a few days ago, the temperatures rose just in time for Easter, melting the snow, and bringing sun for our family dinner today. My mom set the table with pink dishes, white milk glasses, and Easter decorations to pull off another beautiful get together.

Last night, my mom and I sat around the kitchen table writing names on eggs with a wax crayon and dipping them into dye. As an extra touch, she bought egg holders that were glazed in pastel colors and shaped like tulips. These served as placemarks for the guests, which pulled the whole table together.

Along with the table setting, she decorated the house with bunnies, chicks, flowers, and more. Take a look at what our Easter entailed and I hope you had a wonderful day yourself.

Old children's books that feature bunnies and ducklings.

A little stuffed carrot bundle.

Left: It's hard to find tins anywhere these days, but we have a Paas Dye Company one that will be an antique at some point. Right: Pink plate on pink plate + egg place setting. 

Easter bunnies taking a break -- Easter Greetings!

We even have Easter salt and pepper shakers.

Bowl of wooden eggs.

Ham, fruit salad, olives and pickles -- just the start.

Our feast #mouthwatering

 

Deviled eggs are delish.

Bunny in a cabbage water pitcher.

My favorite brother, Colton. I love him so.

My dad and I.

Easter flowers, yo.

9 years since my grandma passed

We sat around the hospital bed in my grandma's house, my family's arms or legs or shoulders touching as we watched the slow breaths rise and fall from her chest. She looked small, skinny, fragile, her cancerous body lying under the thick covers.

I had rushed out of class, leaving homework in my locker when my dad called saying we needed to drive to my grandma's house to say our last goodbyes. We knew she would pass soon, the cancer she had fought for three years was taking a toll on her strength and memory.

When first diagnosed with oral cancer in Florida, I was young and ignorant about what it was. My grandma went to Florida every winter, but this time she hadn't come back because she had gotten sick, my parents told me. She was always a fighter, so I had no doubts she would come back soon enough. But as time progressed, she got so ill that the doctors were weary if she would make it, and my family made the decision to fly her back to Michigan in a medical helicopter so she could spend her days around people that loved her. 

When she arrived, she was nothing like the grandma I knew. The cancer, chemo, and radiation had taken her hope. Her face was burnt, covered in dried blood, and she was skin and bones. My aunt, a nurse, became her caretaker, and as time progressed and much work, she regained strength and ability. I think a lot of this improvement came from being around her family. Never underestimate being around people you love and that love you.

With my grandma  having oral cancer, the radiation was done on her jawline, making it hard to communicate verbally. It was painful and when she did try to talk, it was hard to understand. As a 14-year-old, I tried to understand the words, saying back what I thought she had said, but I knew I wasn't getting it right. She looked frustrated, I felt bad, but I looked into her eyes and I could feel the love she was sending my way non-verbally and I was grateful.

Those moments of eyes-locked, silent interaction are one of the most meaningful moments and I will never forget the ones with my grandma.

As my family surrounded her bed, eyes bloodshot from tears, we touched her spot-aged hands to feel the warmth for the last time. My mom's leg started bouncing uncontrollably from the uncomfortable impact of the moment and I watched it shake the bed slightly. In that moment I was mad at her for this, the last moments of my grandma's life distracted by a constant bounce. I touched her leg and she slowed, the tears on the edge of her eyes. This bounce was her coping mechanism.

My dad took his mother's wrist in his hand as my aunt told my grandma it was OK to go towards the white light, that we were OK. She shut the breathing machine off and she said it again gently. My dad felt as her pulse slowed and stopped. We watched as the last exhale left her body 9 years ago today.

As I was thinking of her throughout the day, I began making a mental list of things that I remember about her. I was 16-years-old when she passed, so the way I looked at moments was juvenile and different than I would today, but these are some of the things I thought of 

-pearly pink nails

-gardening

-lipstick

-coffee

-4th of July parties

-peanut butter cereal bars

-classical music

-the one time I spent the night at her house

-those pesky deer eating her garden

-snow bird

-the Samantha American Girl doll she got me for Christmas

-bird clock that tweeted every hour

-flower embroidered sweatshirts

-sitting around her kitchen table talking

-her stack of crafts and novels on her kitchen table

-her stubborness

-her strength

-telling me that she was glad I didn't wear a lot of makeup because I looked beautiful naturally

-always trying to teach me something, whether it be personally or with a science kit for my birthday

-so excited to give me clothes she found at a yard sale

-when she came to my cheer competition even though she was weak and ill

-visiting her in Florida and picking grapefruit every morning

...just to name a few. Miss and love her forever.

St. Paddy's Day Lunch

Did you wear green on St. Patrick's Day? If  you didn't, did you get pinched? 

For many, wearing green is the extent of their dedication to the holiday. For others, it's a day to get drunk on green beer. For my mom, it's a day to decorate, cook Irish food, and gather around the table. 

It can be a lot of work putting a themed lunch together between choosing a menu, buying the ingredients, making the food, and decorating, but she loves it. A few weekends ago, she went antique shopping with my grandma and picked up a set of dishes with an intricate green design just for the party. She came home itching to show me the find that would bring the whole lunch together.

After searching the internet for what type of foods she would make, she settled on beef stew, soda bread, and coleslaw. She couldn't decide on an Irish dessert, so my grandma made no-bake cookies. Although not Irish, you can never go bad with no-bakes. The meal truly was delicious.

An antique find

Singing leprechaun figurine sitting on a pot of gold

A peak at the green decorations 

Do you decorate the bathroom for holidays, too? These shamrocks are hanging from the shower curtain 

Homemade beef stew with huge chunks of meat and potatoes

Yum

Soda bread + coleslaw

And next week -- Easter. Now we have to disassemble St. Paddy's Day decorations and get out the bunnies and baby chicks.