Look in the globe, what do you see?

Making: a lot of mistakes, always. that's how you learn, right?

Cooking: up some poems. trying really hard to write everyday.

Drinking: too much pop. i was a kombucha addict, but let my healthy ways go by the wayside unfortunately.

Reading: Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Wanting: to get myself together and start the projects i've been thinking about.

Looking: for inspiration.

Playing: marina and the diamonds. heard of them? i love the acoustic versions. currently listening to "lies."

Wasting: energy on things that don't matter. i need redirection.

Sewing: hasn't happened in awhile. i want to sew a vintage dress for myself.

Wishing: my year will be like Pam from The Lucky Mermaid says it will - aries/sun sign - capricorn/rising sign.

 
Enjoying: enjoyed reading Happinez Magazine.

Waiting: for the planets to align.

Liking: watching YouTube videos, especially spoken-word poetry.

Wondering: what my year has in store.

Loving: the beautiful himilayan sea salt lamp my dad got for me.

Hoping: i can finish some poems. i start a lot of them, or write down interesting lines, but never get one finished.

Marveling: at how slow days move, but then again how fast time goes by.

Needing: purpose.

Smelling: the detergent from my sweatshirt.

Wearing: long johns and an oversized sweatshirt.

Following: my intuition as much as i can.

Noticing: that being an adult isn't as fun as i thought it would be when i was a kid.

Knowing: nothing. questioning everything.

Thinking: about this quote - "those who are certain of the outcome can afford to wait and wait without anxiety" -Gabrielle Bernstein.

Feeling: good about going back to work tomorrow, but then again i hope i don't get sick from all the children.

Bookmarking: this. it's hilarious ways to answer the question "where do you see yourself in five years."

Opening: my eyes in the morning is hard. i love my sleep. 

Giggling: is the best. the last time i did was probably because of my dog.

2015 || a year of questions

Looking back at the year in comparison to 2014, I couldn't help but feel like what was the point of 2015? But then I came across a quote that seemed to put it all in perspective:

"There are years that ask questions, and there are years that answer." -Zora Neale Hurston

After reading this quote, I realized that although things didn't always turn out the way I wanted them to, there was still a point to the year. 2015 was a year of questions that I didn't know the answers to. I asked and asked and asked and am still asking with seemingly no response, but I think it's important to stop obsessing over receiving the answer right now and allowing the questions to just be. The answers will come, I just have to wait and keep the door open for receiving. 

Knowing I have been stubborn and probably hard on myself, I took a look through my photos from the year, and it reminded me of the good memories I had in the last 12 months. So here it goes ---

I lived in Washington state on the beautiful Bainbridge Island. I would walk down to the pebbly beach and watch the ferry glide in, then take off to Seattle. I was grateful for a warm, snowless winter in the Pacific Northwest.

I worked with some of the most passionate, humble, loving people I've known. I don't have pictures of all the people I love from YES!, but here are a few. Top left: Miles who made me watch wrestling, but only after watching the Bachelor with me. Top right: Erin who brought out the sassy in me and always had my articles looking their best. Bottom left: Mary and James. Mary was my girl from the day I moved into the YES house. We spent nights at the Alehouse, traveled over to Seattle, and had conversations about life <3 her dearly. James always gave me a new way to look at issues I was writing about and gave me the boost to dig deep. Bottom right: Morgan who brought her bubbly personality and wonderful insights into any conversation. 

Missing: Christa who believed in my voice and did everything with love and compassion. Jim who was the sweetest and kindest person (plus always brought home bread). Susan who gave the best advice and always gave a helping hand. Natasha who was such a beautiful artist and kicked butt on our hike. Peter who I wish I had gotten to know more, but was not only a caring individual but also a fiction writer! There were so many others I was grateful to work with day and day out.

Other notable things I did with my YES folks: had wonderful family dinners, watched the Super Bowl (Seattle Seahawks vs New England Patriots) in a Seattle bar that was only standing room. It was so sad to see the Seahawks lose and in the way that they did. We worked at the HUB, chilled in the beer garden, debated where solutions journalism was going and what part we had in the process, spent a few days in a beach house and singing by a fire in the rain, and eating deep dish pizza while talking about the effect of global warming.

I adventured around Seattle alone. I went to the Frye Museum of Art, Elliot Bay Book Co., wandered the streets, got lost, got rained on, found cool things, and explored. It really felt empowering to be able to just walk and find new things everywhere I looked.

I learned how awesome hackerspaces and makerspaces are after talking to the Seattle Attic, FemHack, Hacker Gals, and a few others. This is the first time I saw direct change and action being made from an article I wrote. I still haven't visited Hacker Gals, but I really want to in the near future. Stacy, the founder, is such a sweet person and I want to get an update on what they're doing.

In the second part of the internship, I really started to love the topics I was writing about, like the hackerspaces one, the article about hip-hop artist Jasiri X and how he is bringing awareness about social justice through his music (and literally got so starstruck, like heart beating extra fast, falling in love type of feelings when watching his videos), and the article about breweries turning to sustainable methods to help stop global warming (I also liked talking to Rick Williams about restorative justice, but that was in December 2014 so it doesn't count).

I learned so much, talked to some amazing people, got frustrated a few times, but enjoyed being a part of bringing positive news to the public. Go solutions journalism!

One of my favorite places to be - always - Intentional Table. I walked into the studio, really shy, and walked out with a job helping the food and wine studio with social media. Not only did I learn a lot about food, but I learned a lot about life from the owner and my second mom, Zoe. She is the most inspirational, go-getter, loving person I know. Every single day I spent with her was amazing and her presence always put me in a better mood. 

I also met some other wonderful people at Intentional Table including Heather, Abby, Marsha, and Carla. They are the sweetest.

But, wait. Let's step back a moment and look at the things that didn't go so well. I felt lost, not knowing where I should go and what I should do with my life. I loved the things I was doing at YES, but it was hard, time consuming, and I didn't know if I could get a job doing something like this. My dad had health issues, which pulled me to want to go home.

I ended up deciding to stay in Seattle. Got a room in a house with five other girls. The landlord didn't even tell them that I was moving in, so when I got there with all my things, they looked shocked that a random person was bringing all their stuff inside. I felt alone, isolated, couldn't find a job. The room I was in had basically no heat. I enjoyed going to the library, so that was a plus.

With my dad being sick and me not feeling happy and having a hard time finding a job, I got a plane ticket home to Michigan. 

I felt happy to be home, but also like a failure. I got a job working at Camp Miniwanca, which brought me a lot of joy and a little bit of office drama. I still felt like I wasn't living up to what I should've been. 

I had my first poem published in print! Besides being published, it was also displayed in the Bainbridge Island Public Library lobby. Read about it here.

I spent a bunch of time with this guy. Baked pies, went to a birthday party, spent a day with his family kayaking down a river (so much fun, but he had to rescue me a million times...oops), watched hours of Game of Thrones and Grey's Anatomy, made jar salads, introduced him to a scoby (hilarious!), went on a Stony Lake boat tour and a bunch of other things #alwaysmybestfriend #lovehimtopieces - side note: one of these pics is a throwback from years ago - can you guess it?

Had such a blast at the Speak Like A Girl show featuring Megan Falley and Olivia Gatwood. They are kick ass women that talk about rape culture, social norms, feminism and a lot of other topics, but in a way that knocks your socks off. Highly recommend watching their videos, buying their books, and watching them live. I also got to listen to the Sharon Olds! I went with one of my best friends and ran into another friend from high school. He got us into the after party, where we got to have conversation with these fierce women. It was an amazing night.

Had a Yarwood family reunion! I hadn't seen these cousins in such a long time - some of them I had never even met. I also joined in on a sand dune ride at Silver Lake. Even though I've lived 10 minutes from the lake my entire life, I had never been in a dune buggy. It was realllllly bumpy!

And spent some time with my girls! We went out for Halloween. Jasmine and Lauren were 70s glam girls and I was a robber. I never get to see my G11 gals enough, but I surprised them and visited on my birthday HA! They had invited me to a party and didn't know it was my birthday, but how better could I have spent it? Had such a great time and I listened to a bunch of (actually) really good karaoke.

Here comes 2016, let's give it all we've got and more.

♥ Kay

Poem from the Mitten

Poetry time! As you might know, I love poetry and therefore I'd like to share a poem from the book "How the Losers Love What's Lost." I read this book by Patrick Ryan Frank last year and have dog-eared pages galore. On top of his wonderful poetry, he is a Michigan native just like me! 

WHAT I WANT FROM THE WORLD 

by Patrick Ryan Frank

On some bright beach in Hawaii,

in some dim year of the past,

one leper in love with another

says, Take my hand. That's all --

sweet joke or two, quick touch,

an elegy on a postcard.

Not much, no more than moments

of luck in a luckless life,

of trouble beautifully lit.

So let the lepers think

the numbness of their lips

is love. Let the sharks

be far and slow. Let

nobody see their bodies

as they run into the sea

with the sun in tatters on

the water, with laughter, a wind

through palms that sounds like Please.

Christmastime sadness

Be warned. I'm going to get raw in this post.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. Yes, on Christmas. And I'm not confessing this because I want sympathy or to hear encouraging words. I'm sharing this for a bigger purpose.

After my family had packed up their presents and said their goodbyes yesterday, I retreated to my room feeling ungrounded and unhappy. My Christmas was a good one. I was surrounded by the people I love and hardly see, and I was immensely grateful for the food I ate and presents I received. But at the end of the day I was sad. 

My cousin proposed to his girlfriend on Christmas Eve, and he looked at her like she was his whole world and I could see just how wonderful their life would be together. My cousin brought her boyfriend to meet us for the first time and she looked very much smitten with him. My other cousin just graduated from the university she was attending and her life looks wonderful as she pursues a career in geology. All of this exciting news made me very happy for them.

But over the last few years, things have been changing. We have been growing up from the little kids we were, to adults. I used to attach myself to my cousins and not let them go. We would say weird things, act wacky, and make up stories together, but things have since changed. We are getting to an age where new people are being invited to once exclusive gatherings and as this happens, I retreat a little more into a shell, feeling more like a stranger than family.

When my grandma decided to go to her house to retrieve tie clips that she thought my cousin might like, I asked if I could go along. I had been overwhelmed by the changes and new people. I needed to get away for a minute and get some fresh air. As I walked out the door, my uncle said across the room When are you going to get one of those? as he pointed to his wedding finger. And I looked away saying you had to have a boyfriend first and that no one lasts that long. "Oh, they can't handle you for very long?" he asked chuckling.

Nope. I guess not. I put on a face like it didn't bother me. When I got back, my cousin asked me about my ex, inquiring about what happened. I fumbled for my words, holding my breath because I could feel the emotions bubbling. Truth be told, since the breakup, I have been around a very limited amount of people, and stay away from those that might bring it up. 

I don't want to get too raw because I believe that some things are better kept between the parties involved, but my ex and I have been friends for over a decade. He actually has been more than a friend for a long time: my best friend. He had always been the person I go to when life was tough, when I needed a truthful answer, or just needed someone. Even before we dated for the few months we did, I was one of the most important people in his life and he in mine. Now things are more complicated.

As I sat with my family around the Christmas tree, I couldn't help but feel like he was missing and like he belonged there in our house with us. I didn't necessarily understand the presence of this feeling, but it loomed.

After they all left, I couldn't help but cry. I cried about the relationship, I cried because I don't know where my life is headed, and I cried because things change so rapidly. Being a full moon, I decided that it was time to release some of this energy pulling me down with a meditation. I took small pieces of paper and wrote down things that I needed to release from my life. Under the full moon, I lit them on fire and watched as they curled into char. It felt so good to let go of my burdens, but when I went back inside my house, they started to scratch at me again.

Chest heaving, tears running down my face, I asked my spirit guides, angels and archangels, gods and goddesses to please release the negative energy. As the tears crusted to my cheeks, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I didn't want to turn on my computer and obsessively check social media like I always had. I sat up and reached for the new copy of Happinez Magazine. I began looking at the beautiful flowers arranged in the shape of mandalas, read about mindfulness, and about a nunnery in Tibet. Then I felt a pull to go on YouTube and watch a video about spirituality.

In my YouTube suggestions was a video called "How To Let Go of Someone You Love (and Part with Peace)" by Heather Waxman. I clicked on the video and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I couldn't help but feel like it was put in front of me by my guides, which left me grateful and humbled. 

Here's the video:

A few parts that resonated with me: 

"When any two souls meet, it is not an accident...As we form a relationship, we enter into an invisible, sacred contract with each other and we silently, subconsciously agree (from a spiritual prospective) to join together to teach and to learn from each other until we have reached our highest potential as it relates to the purpose of the relationship." 

"Society tries to equate the success of the relationship with the time that the relationship has endured...Sometimes we feel in our guts -- that inner knowing -- that it's time to part, that the purpose of the relationship has been served. We feel an immense sense of guilt and shame over that and confusion in large part because we believe that the relationship has failed because society tells us that when the relationship ends, the relationship has failed." 

"If you try to stay in that space of controlling the end, trying to not make the ending of the relationship occur, you are staying at a low vibration and all you have to do is vibrate up to that space of willingness and you will feel that sense of wonder about the rebirth that is occurring in this moment for you."

This was the first time I watched Heather's videos, but I will be watching more. This video was gentle, loving, and pinpointed the things I needed to hear. Even though I had a breakdown and was beyond distraught, my guides put the information I needed in front of me. When I watched her video, I was astounded by the perfection of the moment, and wanted to remind everyone out there that it's OK to feel all the human emotions fully (even the not-so-fun ones). And that's why I got a little raw on the blog today -- to bring attention to the power of asking the universe and guides for help and trusting in their abilities and dedication to us. 

REGULARITY

This is part of a series on my journey through the 18-ities that were highlighted in Happinez Magazine. You can read how the article spoke to me here, and also check out the first -ity: serenity.

Confession: I have a hard time with the second -ity: regularity. It's a love/hate relationship. I desperately claw for a routine that will lead me towards my soul's purpose, but tend to give up easily if I don't get quick results. I don't put 100 percent into things because I doubt that it will benefit me, that I will succeed, if it's the right choice, or I'm just being plain lazy.

I think regularity can come in many forms. It can be waking up and meditating before getting ready for the day, telling someone how much you care about them, or dedicating time to something you love everyday.

The things that become regular will definitely impact your life. An action can start off as an occasional occurrence, and quickly develop into a habit, so it is important to be aware and intentional about what you do and how you treat yourself. If you look in the mirror and tell yourself you're ugly it can easily escalate and manifest in your mood, what you accomplish, and how you treat others.

The Happinez article wrote: "Regularity forms the basis of spiritual practise; it's the best way to calm a restless spirit. It's for this reason that ashrams have a strict daily routine. Habits form grooves, like millstones, which in time become smooth. It takes time but once a groove is etched, it can be forgotten because it's been indelibly printed in our memory. So get up a fixed time and meditate at a fixed time. Take the time to reflect on the day's events, and cherish that moment."

Both of the photos were taken 11.18.15. What a beautiful sunset in Michigan.

What are some of your current regularities?

To be honest, mine have been unhealthy lately. After a recent breakup and not being sure about my next career move, I have not treated myself in the best way. But you know what? Now that I have been honest with myself and am aware of these actions, I can create steps to move away from these patterns.

What regularities would you like to incorporate into your daily routine?

I have started to meditate, but have not made it a full-blown regularity. I need to create a time to do that every day because it allows me to slow down and tune into my body. It is common for people to keep their lives in busy-mode 24/7 and this isn't healthy. The result? Physical manifestations of stress.

I would also like to take time to reflect on my day as a part of my new regularity. I tried to start doing this in the form of "pits and peaks" where I would go through and find something that didn't go so well and something good that happened. I tend to look back at my life and wonder what even happened, and this would make me reflect on how I live my life.

Another regularity that I would like to enforce is writing and reading. These are two of my passions, but I tend not to parcel time for them. I am distracted with things that do not benefit my life like television and surfing useless things on the internet. I can do those things in moderation, but be aware of how much time I spend on those things and realize what will benefit me the most.

Last but not least, I need to tell my loved ones what they mean to me. This can be in the form of a simple "I love you" or sending a card to someone saying that I'm thinking of them. This regularity comes with another stipulation -- I need to really access my relationships and be true to myself on how I feel about them. These words can't be said just to be said, they need to come a place of purity.

I hope you take a look at your regularities and think about how they serve you. Make intentional regularities and you'll be a lot happier. I'll try to do the same.

Getting dirty in the garden

It's so sad to see my poor garden deteriorate, but that's just part of the seasons of life. The other day, my dad and I pulled the wilted tomato plants out of the dirt, harvested the onions, and got really dirty in the process.

First, we pulled out all of the dead plants, weeds, and saved the vegetables that we could still eat -- like the carrots, kale, brussels sprouts, and onions. My dad wanted to rototill the soil and get the ground ready for next spring, so we borrowed a Kuboda from one of our friends, and really turned that dirt over. 

Throughout the summer, we had been composting, so it was a perfect time to dump it for the season. We had a little trouble since the buckets were so dang heavy. We first tried to lift it with a chain wrapped around the plastic container and secured to the Kuboda. In the process, the container cracked. After a few different scenarios, we successfully got them lifted and carried to the garden -- hooray!

The only problem? The smell! Oh man, if my dad was almost gagging, you know it was bad. 

We also raked a bunch of leaves into the garden and rototilled those in. While he was on the Kuboda, I started pulling corn stalks and sunflowers out of the smaller garden. Some of the stalks came out pretty easy, and a few not so easy. I was hunched over pulling one out and out of nowhere collapsed with a sharp pain at the base of my spine. I took a break and stretched my back, but the pain was still there and had to brace myself every time I pulled a stalk. Not fun, but when  you have to get things done, you have to push through the pain.

We didn't thin out our carrots, so they are all pretty small, but edible.

My dad on the Kuboda, rototilling in all those leaves.

Dirty face, dirty hands, dirty clothes. I was getting grimy, but all for the love of my garden! Definitely don't need makeup when you're working like that.

So many dang leaves.

The dirt went right through my shoes.

Aged brown, but still beautiful.

Brussels Sprouts + Bowls of Spiders + Black Roses

Who likes brussels sprouts? OK, don't raise your hands all at the same time. I feel like green vegetables tend to get prematurely judged. Yes, brussels sprouts look like tiny cabbages, but just let me tell you, they are delicious (even ask my dad). This year, when we were picking out the plants to grow in our garden, I set my eye on a brussels sprouts plant, even though my parents had their doubts about if it would grow well.

So this week, we pulled those suckers out by their roots and started chopping off those round pieces of heaven one by one until we had a pot full. When you get them in the grocery stores (especially frozen) they tend to be bitter. I have more than once spit out a brussels sprout. But not these homegrown ones, they were perfection.

Brussels sprouts grow on a long stem. My dad and I had cut off all the leaves before this pic was taken.

Boil 'em, steam 'em, maybe even eat them raw.

Isn't this just a wonderful picture of the harvest moon? I'm not sure who shot this picture -- either my mom or dad -- but I couldn't help but share.

Back in the day, we decorated to scare all the kids who would trample through our haunted garage. Since then, we've toned it down a bit, made it classier I guess.

 Black rose, black dress, black heart. Hey, have you listened to the song "Black Roses" by the beautiful Clare Bowen (from one of my fav shows, Nashville)? If not, watch it. It's unbelievable.

Bowl full of spiders? Obviously!

 We've had this skeleton for yeeeeeeeears. His name is Mr. Bones. Maybe he shouldn't have played with that Ouija board. Am I right?

It's fall. Break out the hats!

Look at my precious Sadie. She always lays on the ground in front of this window, watching for my dad to come up the driveway.

Can you believe All Hallow's Eve is this weekend? Love it & can't wait.